June 10—We’re on a Strato-jet about to take off for Chicago. I owe this progress report to Burt who had the bright idea that I could dictate this on a transistor tape recorder and have a public stenographer in Chicago type it up. Nemur likes the idea. In fact, he wants me to use the recorder up to the last minute. He feels it will add to the report if they play the most recent tape at the end of the session.

So here I am, sitting off by myself in our private section of a jet on the way to Chicago, trying to get used to thinking aloud, and to the sound of my own voice. I suppose the typist can get rid of all the uhm’s, er’s and ah’s, and make it all seem natural on paper (I can’t help the paralysis that comes over me when I think hundreds of people are going to listen to the words I’m saying now).

My mind is a blank. At this point my feelings are more important than anything else.

The idea of going up in the air terrifies me.

As far as I can tell, in the days before the operation, I never really understood what planes were. I never connected the movies and TV close-ups of planes with the things that I saw zooming overhead. Now that we’re about to take off I can think only of what might happen if we crash. A cold feeling, and the thought that I don’t want to die. Brings to mind those discussions about God.

I’ve thought about death often in recent weeks, but not really about God. My mother took me to church occasionally—but I don’t recall ever connecting that up with the thought of God. She mentioned Him quite often, and I had to pray to Him at night, but I never thought much about it. I remember Him as a distant uncle with a long beard on a throne (like Santa Claus in the department store on his big chair, who picks you up on his knee and asks you if you’ve been good, and what would you like him to give you?). She was afraid of Him, but asked favors anyway. My father never mentioned Him—it was as if God was one of Rose’s relatives he’d rather not get involved with.

***

“We’re ready to take off, sir. May I help you fasten your seat belt?”

“Do I have to? I don’t like to be strapped down.”

“Until we’re airborne.”

“I’d rather not, unless it’s necessary. I’ve got this fear of being strapped in. It’ll probably make me sick.”

“It’s regulations, sir. Here, let me help you.”

“No! I’ll do it myself.”

“No … that one goes through here.”

“Wait, uh….Okay.”

***

Ridiculous. There’s nothing to be afraid of. Seat belt isn’t too tight—doesn’t hurt. Why should putting on the damned seat belt be so terrifying? That, and the vibrations of the plane taking off. Anxiety all out of proportion to the situation … so it must be something … what?…flying up into and through dark clouds … fasten your seat belts … strapped down … straining forward … odor of sweaty leather … vibrations and a roaring sound in my ears.

Through the window—in the clouds—I see Charlie. Age is difficult to tell, about five years old. Before Norma…

“Are you two ready yet?” His father comes to the doorway, heavy, especially in the sagging fleshiness of his face and neck. He has a tired look. “I said, are you ready?” “Just a minute,” answers Rose. “I’m getting my hat on. See if his shirt is buttoned, and tie his shoelaces.”

“Come on, let’s get this thing over with.”

“Where?” asks Charlie. “Where … Charlie … go?”

His father looks at him and frowns. Matt Gordon never knows how to react to his son’s questions.

Rose appears in the doorway of her bedroom, adjusting the half-veil of her hat. She is a birdlike woman, and her arms—up to her head, elbows out—look like wings. “We’re going to the doctor who is going to help you get smart.”

The veil makes it look as if she were peering down at him through a wire screen. He is always frightened when they dress up to go out this way, because he knows he will have to meet other people and his mother will become upset and angry.

He wants to run, but there is no place for him to go.

“Why do you have to tell him that?” said Matt.

“Because it’s the truth. Dr. Guarino can help him.”

Matt paces the floor like a man who has given up hope but will make one last attempt to reason. “How do you know? What do you know about this man? If there was anything that could be done, the doctors would have told us long ago.”

“Don’t say that,” she screeches. “Don’t tell me there’s nothing they can do.” She grabs Charlie and presses his head against her bosom. “He’s going to be normal, whatever we have to do, whatever it costs.”

“It’s not something money can buy.”

“It’s Charlie I’m talking about. Your son … your only child.” She rocks him from side to side, near hysteria now. “I won’t listen to that talk. They don’t know, so they say nothing can be done. Dr. Guarino explained it all to me. They won’t sponsor his invention, he says, because it will prove they’re wrong. Like it was with those other scientists, Pasteur and Jennings, and the rest of them. He told me all about your fine medical doctors afraid of progress.”

Talking back to Matt this way, she becomes relaxed and sure of herself again. When she lets go of Charlie, he goes to the corner and stands against the wall frightened and shivering.

“Look,” she says, “you got him upset again.”

“Me?”

“You always start these things in front of him.”

“Oh, Christ! Come on, let’s get this damned thing over with.”

All the way to Dr. Guarino’s office they avoid speaking to each other. Silence on the bus, and silence walking three blocks from the bus to the downtown office building. After about fifteen minutes, Dr. Guarino comes out to the waiting room to greet them. He is fat and balding, and he looks as if he would pop through his white lab jacket. Charlie is fascinated by the thick white eyebrows and white moustache that twitch from time to time. Sometimes the moustache twitches first, followed by the raising of both eyebrows, but sometimes the brows go up first and the moustache twitch follows.

The large white room into which Guarino ushers them smells recently painted, and it is almost bare—two desks on one side of the room, and on the other, a huge machine with rows of dials and four long arms like dentist’s drills. Nearby is a black leather examination table with thick, webbed, restraining straps.

“Well, well, well,” says Guarino, raising his eyebrows, “so this is Charlie.” He grips the boy’s shoulders firmly. “We’re going to be friends.”

“Can you really do anything for him, Dr. Guarino?” says Matt. “Have you ever treated this kind of thing before? We don’t have much money.”

The eyebrows come down like shutters as Guarino frowns. “Mr. Gordon, have I said anything yet about what I could do? Don’t I have to examine him first? Maybe something can be done, maybe not. First there will have to be physical and mental tests to determine the causes of the pathology. There will be enough time later to talk of prognosis. Actually, I’m very busy these days. I only agreed to look into this case because I’m doing a special study of this type of neural retardation. Of course, if you have qualms, then perhaps…”

His voice trails off sadly, and he turns away, but Rose Gordon jabs at Matt with her elbow. “My husband doesn’t mean that at all, Dr. Guarino. He talks too much.” She glares at Matt again to warn him to apologize.

Matt sighs. “If there is any way you can help Charlie, we’ll do anything you ask. Things are slow these days. I sell barbershop supplies, but whatever I have I’ll be glad to—” “Just one thing I must insist on,” says Guarino, pursing his lips as if making a decision. “Once we start, the treatment must continue all the way. In cases of this type, the results often come suddenly after long months without any sign of improvement. Not that I am promising you success, mind you. Nothing is guaranteed. But you must give the treatment a chance, otherwise you’re better off not starting at all.”

He frowns at them to let his warning sink in, and his brows are white shades from under which his bright blue eyes stare. “Now, if you’ll just step outside and let me examine the boy.”

Matt hesitates to leave Charlie alone with him, but Guarino nods. “This is the best way,” he says, ushering them both outside to the waiting room. “The results are always more significant if the patient and I are alone when the psychosubstantiation tests are performed. External distractions have a deleterious effect on the ramified scores.”

Rose smiles at her husband triumphantly, and Matt follows her meekly outside.

Alone with Charlie, Dr. Guarino pats him on the head. He has a kindly smile.

“Okay, kid. On the table.”

When Charlie doesn’t respond, he lifts him gently onto the leather-padded table and straps him down securely with heavy webbed straps. The table smells of deeply ingrained sweat, and leather.

“Maaaa!”

“She’s outside. Don’t worry, Charlie. This won’t hurt a bit.”

“Want Ma!” Charlie is confused at being restrained this way. He has no sense of what is being done to him, but there have been other doctors who were not so gentle after his parents left the room.

Guarino tries to calm him. “Take it easy, kid. Nothing to be scared of. You see this big machine here? Know what I’m going to do with it?”

Charlie cringes, and then he recalls his mother’s words. “Make me smart.”

“That’s right. At least you know what you’re here for. Now, just close your eyes and relax while I turn on these switches. It’ll make a loud noise, like an airplane, but it won’t hurt you. And we’ll see if we can make you a little bit smarter than you are now.”

Guarino snaps on the switch that sets the huge machine humming, red and blue lights blinking on and off. Charlie is terrified. He cringes and shivers, straining against the straps that hold him fast to the table.

He starts to scream, but Guarino quickly pushes a wad of cloth into his mouth. “Now, now, Charlie. None of that. You be a good little boy. I told you it won’t hurt.”

He tries to scream again, but all that comes out is a muffled choking that makes him want to throw up. He feels the wetness and the stickiness around his legs, and the odor tells him that his mother will punish him with the spanking and the corner for making in his pants. He could not control it. Whenever he feels trapped and panic sets in, he loses control and dirties himself. Choking … sick … nausea … and everything goes black…

There is no way of knowing how much time passes, but when Charlie opens his eyes, the cloth is out of his mouth, and the straps have been removed. Dr. Guarino pretends he does not smell the odor. “Now that didn’t hurt you a bit, did it?”

“N-no…”

“Well, then what are you trembling like that for? All I did was use that machine to make you smarter. How does it feel to be smarter now than you were before?”

Forgetting his terror, Charlie stares wide-eyed at the machine. “Did I get smart?”

“Of course you did. Uh, stand back over there. How does it feel?”

“Feels wet. I made.”

“Yes, well—uh—you won’t do that next time, will you? You won’t be scared any more, now that you know it doesn’t hurt. Now I want you to tell your mom how smart you feel, and she’ll bring you here twice a week for shortwave encephalo-reconditioning, and you’ll get smarter, and smarter, and smarter.”

Charlie smiles. “I can walk backwards.”

“You can? Let’s see,” says Guarino closing his folder in mock excitement. “Let me see.”

Slowly, and with great effort, Charlie takes several steps backward, stumbling against the examination table as he goes. Guarino smiles and nods. “Now that’s what I call something. Oh, you wait. You’re going to be the smartest boy on your block before we’re through with you.”

Charlie flushes with pleasure at this praise and attention. It is not often that people smile at him and tell him he has done something well. Even the terror of the machine, and of being strapped down to the table, begins to fade.

“On the whole block?” The thought fills him as if he cannot take enough air into his lungs no matter how he tries. “Even smarter than Hymie?”

Guarino smiles again and nods. “Smarter than Hymie.”

Charlie looks at the machine with new wonder and respect. The machine will make him smarter than Hymie who lives two doors away and knows how to read and write and is in the Boy Scouts. “Is that your machine?”

“Not yet. It belongs to the bank. But soon it’ll be mine, and then I’ll be able to make lots of boys like you smart.” He pats Charlie’s head and says, “You’re a lot nicer than some of the normal kids whose mothers bring them here hoping I can make geniuses out of them by raising their I.Q.‘s.”

“Do they be jean-asses if you raise their eyes?” He put his hands to his face to see if the machine had done anything to raise his eyes. “You gonna make me a jean-ass?”

Guarino’s laugh is friendly as he squeezes Charlie’s shoulder. “No, Charlie. Nothing for you to worry about. Only nasty little donkeys become jean-asses. You’ll stay just the way you are—a nice kid.” And then, thinking better of it he adds: “Of course, a little smarter than you are now.”

He unlocks the door and leads Charlie out to his parents. “Here he is, folks. None the worse for the experience. A good boy. I think we’re going to be good friends, eh, Charlie?”

Charlie nods. He wants Dr. Guarino to like him, but he is terrified when he sees the expression on his mother’s face. “Charlie! What did you do?”

“Just an accident, Mrs. Gordon. He was frightened the first time. But don’t blame him or punish him. I wouldn’t want him to connect punishment with coming here.”

But Rose Gordon is sick with embarrassment. “It’s disgusting. I don’t know what to do, Dr. Guarino. Even at home he forgets—and sometimes when we have people in the house. I’m so ashamed when he does that.”

The look of disgust on his mother’s face sets him trembling. For a short while he had forgotten how bad he is, how he makes his parents suffer. He doesn’t know how, but it frightens him when she says he makes her suffer, and when she cries and screams at him, he turns his face to the wall and moans softly to himself.

“Now don’t upset him, Mrs. Gordon, and don’t worry. Bring him to me on Tuesday and Thursday each week at the same time.”

“But will this really do any good?” asks Matt. “Ten dollars is a lot of—”

“Matt!” she clutches at his sleeve. “Is that anything to talk about at a time like this? Your own flesh and blood, and maybe Dr. Guarino can make him like other children, with the Lord’s help, and you talk about money!”

Matt Gordon starts to defend himself, but then, thinking better of it, he pulls out his wallet.

“Please…” sighs Guarino, as if embarrassed at the sight of money. “My assistant at the front desk will take care of all the financial arrangements. Thank you.” He half bows to Rose, shakes Matt’s hand and pats Charlie on the back. “Nice boy. Very nice.” Then, smiling again, he disappears behind the door to the inner office.

They argue all the way home, Matt complaining that barber supply sales have fallen off, and that their savings are dwindling, Rose screeching back that making Charlie normal is more important than anything else.

Frightened by their quarreling, Charlie whimpers. The sound of anger in their voices is painful to him. As soon as they enter the apartment, he pulls away and runs to the corner of the kitchen, behind the door and stands with his forehead pressed against the tile wall, trembling and moaning.

They pay no attention to him. They have forgotten that he has to be cleaned and changed.

“I’m not hysterical. I’m just sick of you complaining every time I try to do something for your son. You don’t care. You just don’t care.”

“That’s not true! But I realize there’s nothing we can do. When you’ve got a child like him it’s a cross, and you bear it, and love it. Well, I can bear him, but I can’t stand your foolish ways. You’ve spent almost all our savings on quacks and phonies—money I could have used to set me up in a nice business of my own. Yes. Don’t look at me that way. For all the money you’ve thrown down the sewer to do something that can’t be done, I could have had a barbershop of my own instead of eating my heart out selling for ten hours a day. My own place with people working for me!”

“Stop shouting. Look at him, he’s frightened.”

“The hell with you. Now I know who’s the dope around here. Me! For putting up with you.” He storms out, slamming the door behind him.

***

“Sorry to interrupt you, sir, but we’re going to be landing in a few minutes. You’ll have to fasten your seat belt again … Oh, you have it on, sir. You’ve had it on all the way from New York. Close to two hours…”

“I forgot all about it. I’ll just leave it on until we land. It doesn’t seem to bother me any more.”

***

Now I can see where I got the unusual motivation for becoming smart that so amazed everyone at first. It was something Rose Gordon lived with day and night. Her fear, her guilt, her shame that Charlie was a moron. Her dream that something could be done. The urgent question always: whose fault was it, hers or Matt’s? Only after Norma proved to her that she was capable of having normal children, and that I was a freak, did she stop trying to make me over. But I guess I never stopped wanting to be the smart boy she wanted me to be, so that she would love me.

A funny thing about Guarino. I should resent him for what he did to me, and for taking advantage of Rose and Matt, but somehow I can’t. After that first day, he was always pleasant to me. There was always the pat on the shoulder, the smile, the encouraging word that came my way so rarely.

He treated me—even then—as a human being.

It may sound like ingratitude, but that is one of the things that I resent here—the attitude that I am a guinea pig. Nemur’s constant references to having made me what I am, or that someday there will be others like me who will become real human beings.

How can I make him understand that he did not create me?

He makes the same mistake as the others when they look at a feeble-minded person and laugh because they don’t understand there are human feelings involved. He doesn’t realize that I was a person before I came here.

I am learning to control my resentment, not to be so impatient, to wait for things. I guess I’m growing up. Each day I learn more and more about myself, and the memories that began as ripples now wash over me in high-breaking waves….

June 11—The confusion began from the moment we arrived at the Chalmers Hotel in Chicago and discovered that by error our rooms would not be vacant until the next night and until then we would have to stay at the nearby Independence Hotel. Nemur was furious. He took it as a personal affront and quarrelled with everyone in the line of hotel command from the bellhop to the manager. We waited in the lobby as each hotel official went off in search of his superior to see what could be done.

In the midst of all the confusion—luggage drifting in and piling up all around the lobby, bellboys hustling back and forth with their little baggage carts, members who hadn’t seen each other in a year, recognizing and greeting each other—we stood there feeling increasingly embarrassed as Nemur tried to collar officials connected with the International Psychological Association.

Finally, when it became apparent that nothing could be done about it, he accepted the fact that we would have to spend our first night in Chicago at the Independence.

As it turned out, most of the younger psychologists were staying at the Independence, and that was where the big first-night parties were. Here, people had heard about the experiment, and most of them knew who I was. Wherever we went, someone came up and asked my opinions on everything from the effects of the new tax to the latest archaeological discoveries in Finland. It was challenging, and my storehouse of general knowledge made it easy for me to talk about almost anything. But after a while I could see that Nemur was annoyed at all the attention I was getting.

When an attractive young clinician from Falmouth College asked me if I could explain some of the causes of my own retardation, I told her that Professor Nemur was the man to answer that.

It was the chance he had been waiting for to show his authority, and for the first time since we’d known each other he put his hand on my shoulder. “We don’t know exactly what causes the type of phenylketonuria that Charlie was suffering from as a child—some unusual biochemical or genetic situation, possibly ionizing radiation or natural radiation or even a virus attack on the fetus—whatever it was resulted in a defective gene which produces a, shall we say, ‘maverick enzyme’ that creates defective biochemical reactions. And, of course, newly produced amino acids compete with the normal enzymes causing brain damage.”

The girl frowned. She had not expected a lecture, but Nemur had seized the floor and he went on in the same vein. “I call it competitive inhibition of enzymes. Let me give you an example of how it works. Think of the enzyme produced by the defective gene as a wrong key which fits into the chemical lock of the central nervous system—but won’t turn. Because it’s there, the true key—the right enzyme—can’t even enter the lock. It’s blocked. Result? Irreversible destruction of proteins in the brain tissue.”

“But if it is irreversible,” intruded one of the other psychologists who had joined the little audience, “how is it possible that Mr. Gordon here is no longer retarded?”

“Ah!” crowed Nemur, “I said the destruction to the tissue was irreversible, not the process itself. Many researchers have been able to reverse the process through injections of chemicals which combine with the defective enzymes, changing the molecular shape of the interfering key, as it were. This is central to our own technique as well. But first, we remove the damaged portions of the brain and permit the implanted brain tissue which has been chemically revitalized to produce brain proteins at a supernormal rate—”

“Just a minute, Professor Nemur,” I said, interrupting him at the height of his peroration. “What about Rahajamati’s work in that field?”

He looked at me blankly. “Who?”

“Rahajamati. His article attacks Tanida’s theory of enzyme fusion—the concept of changing the chemical structure of the enzyme blocking the step in the metabolic pathway.”

He frowned. “Where was that article translated?”

“It hasn’t been translated yet. I read it in the Hindu Journal of Psychopathology just a few days ago.”

He looked at his audience and tried to shrug it off. “Well, I don’t think we have anything to worry about. Our results speak for themselves.”

“But Tanida himself first propounded the theory of blocking the maverick enzyme through combination, and now he points out that—”

“Oh, come now, Charlie. Just because a man is the first to come forth with a theory doesn’t make him the final word on its experimental development. I think everyone here will agree that the research done in the United States and Britain far outshines the work done in India and Japan. We still have the best laboratories and the best equipment in the world.”

“But that doesn’t answer Rahajamati’s point that—”

“This is not the time or place to go into that. I’m certain all of these points will be adequately dealt with in tomorrow’s session.” He turned to talk to someone about an old college friend, cutting me off completely, and I stood there dumbfounded.

I managed to get Strauss off to one side, and I started questioning him. “All right, now. You’ve been telling me I’m too sensitive to him. What did I say that upset him that way?”

“You’re making him feel inferior and he can’t take it.”

“I’m serious, for God’s sake. Tell me the truth.”

“Charlie, you’ve got to stop thinking that everyone is laughing at you. Nemur couldn’t discuss those articles because he hasn’t read them. He can’t read those languages.”

“Not read Hindi and Japanese? Oh, come on now.”

“Charlie, not everyone has your gift for languages.”

“But then how can he refute Rahajamati’s attack on this method, and Tanida’s challenge to the validity of this kind of control? He must know about those—”

“No…,” said Strauss thoughtfully. “Those papers must be recent. There hasn’t been time to get translations made.”

“You mean you haven’t read them either?”

He shrugged. “I’m an even worse linguist than he is. But I’m certain before the final reports are turned in, all the journals will be combed for additional data.”

I didn’t know what to say. To hear him admit that both of them were ignorant of whole areas in their own fields was terrifying. “What languages do you know?” I asked him.

“French, German, Spanish, Italian, and enough Swedish to get along.”

“No Russian, Chinese, Portuguese?”

He reminded me that as a practicing psychiatrist and neurosurgeon he had very little time for languages. And the only ancient languages that he could read were Latin and Greek. Nothing of the ancient Oriental tongues.

I could see he wanted to end the discussion at that point, but somehow I couldn’t let go. I had to find out just how much he knew.

I found out.

Physics: nothing beyond the quantum theory of fields. Geology: nothing about geomorphology or stratigraphy or even petrology. Nothing about the micro- or macro-economic theory. Little in mathematics beyond the elementary level of calculus of variations, and nothing at all about Banach algebra or Riemannian manifolds. It was the first inkling of the revelations that were in store for me this weekend.

I couldn’t stay at the party. I slipped away to walk and think this out. Frauds—both of them. They had pretended to be geniuses. But they were just ordinary men working blindly, pretending to be able to bring light into the darkness. Why is it that everyone lies? No one I know is what he appears to be. As I turned the corner I caught a glimpse of Burt coming after me.

“What’s the matter?” I said as he caught up to me. “Are you following me?”

He shrugged and laughed uncomfortably. “Exhibit A, star of the show. Can’t have you run down by one of these motorized Chicago cowboys or mugged and rolled on State Street?”

“I don’t like being kept in custody.”

He avoided my gaze as he walked beside me, his hands deep in his pockets. “Take it easy, Charlie. The old man is on edge. This convention means a lot to him. His reputation is at stake.”

“I didn’t know you were so close to him,” I taunted, recalling all the times Burt had complained about the professor’s narrowness and pushing.

“I’m not close to him.” He looked at me defiantly. “But he’s put his whole life into this. He’s no Freud or Jung or Pavlov or Watson, but he’s doing something important and I respect his dedication—maybe even more because he’s just an ordinary man trying to do a great man’s work, while the great men are all busy making bombs.”

“I’d like to hear you call him ordinary to his face.”

“It doesn’t matter what he thinks of himself. Sure he’s egotistic, so what? It takes that kind of ego to make a man attempt a thing like this. I’ve seen enough of men like him to know that mixed in with that pompousness and self-assertion is a goddamned good measure of uncertainty and fear.”

“And phoniness and shallowness,” I added. “I see them now as they really are, phonies. I suspected it of Nemur. He always seemed frightened of something. But Strauss surprised me.”

Burt paused and let out a long stream of breath. We turned into a luncheonette for coffee, and I didn’t see his face, but the sound revealed his exasperation.

“You think I’m wrong?”

“Just that you’ve come a long way kind of fast,” he said. “You’ve got a superb mind now, intelligence that can’t really be calculated, more knowledge absorbed by now than most people pick up in a long lifetime. But you’re lopsided. You know things. You see things. But you haven’t developed understanding, or—I have to use the word—tolerance. You call them phonies, but when did either of them ever claim to be perfect, or superhuman? They’re ordinary people. You’re the genius.”

He broke off awkwardly, suddenly aware that he was preaching at me.

“Go ahead.”

“Ever meet Nemur’s wife?”

“No.”

“If you want to understand why he’s under tension all the time, even when things are going well at the lab and in his lectures, you’ve got to know Bertha Nemur. Did you know she’s got him his professorship? Did you know she used her father’s influence to get him the Welberg Foundation grant? Well, now she’s pushed him into this premature presentation at the convention. Until you’ve had a woman like her riding you, don’t think you can understand the man who has.”

I didn’t say anything, and I could see he wanted to get back to the hotel. All the way back we were silent.

***

Am I a genius? I don’t think so. Not yet anyway. As Burt would put it, mocking the euphemisms of educational jargon, I’m exceptional—a democratic term used to avoid the damning labels of gifted and deprived (which used to mean bright and retarded) and as soon as exceptional begins to mean anything to anyone they’ll change it. The idea seems to be: use an expression only as long as it doesn’t mean anything to anybody. Exceptional refers to both ends of the spectrum, so all my life I’ve been exceptional.

Strange about learning; the farther I go the more I see that I never knew even existed. A short while ago I foolishly thought I could learn everything—all the knowledge in the world. Now I hope only to be able to know of its existence, and to understand one grain of it.

Is there time?

Burt is annoyed with me. He finds me impatient and the others must feel the same. But they hold me back and try to keep me in my place. What is my place? Who and what am I now? Am I the sum of my life or only of the past months? Oh, how impatient they get when I try to discuss it with them. They don’t like to admit that they don’t know. It’s paradoxical that an ordinary man like Nemur presumes to devote himself to making other people geniuses. He would like to be thought of as the discoverer of new laws of learning—the Einstein of psychology. And he has the teacher’s fear of being surpassed by the student, the master’s dread of having the disciple discredit his work. (Not that I am in any real sense Nemur’s student or disciple as Burt is.)

I guess Nemur’s fear of being revealed as a man walking on stilts among giants is understandable. Failure at this point would destroy him. He is too old to start all over again.

As shocking as it is to discover the truth about men I had respected and looked up to, I guess Burt is right. I must not be too impatient with them. Their ideas and brilliant work made the experiment possible. I’ve got to guard against the natural tendency to look down on them now that I have surpassed them.

I’ve got to realize that when they continually admonish me to speak and write simply so that people who read these reports will be able to understand me, they are talking about themselves as well. But still it’s frightening to realize that my fate is in the hands of men who are not the giants I once thought them to be, men who don’t know all the answers.

June 13—I’m dictating this under great emotional strain. I’ve walked out on the whole thing. I’m on a plane headed back to New York alone, and I have no idea what I’m going to do when I get there.

At first, I admit, I was in awe at the picture of an international convention of scientists and scholars, gathered for an exchange of ideas. Here, I thought, was where it all really happened. Here it would be different from the sterile college discussions, because these were the men on the highest levels of psychological research and education, the scientists who wrote the books and delivered the lectures, the authorities people quoted. If Nemur and Strauss were ordinary men working beyond their abilities, I felt sure it would be different with the others.

When it was time for the meeting, Nemur steered us through the gigantic lobby with its heavy baroque furnishings and huge curving marble staircases, and we moved through the thickening knots of handshakers, nodders, and smilers. Two other professors from Beekman who had arrived in Chicago just this morning joined us. Professors White and Clinger walked a little to the right and a step or two behind Nemur and Strauss, while Burt and I brought up the rear.

Standees parted to make a path for us into the Grand Ballroom, and Nemur waved to the reporters and photographers who had come to hear at first hand about the startling things that had been done with a retardate adult in just a little over three months.

Nemur had obviously sent out advance publicity releases.

Some of the psychological papers delivered at the meeting were impressive. A group from Alaska showed how stimulation of various portions of the brain caused a significant development in learning ability, and a group from New Zealand had mapped out those portions of the brain that controlled perception and retention of stimuli.

But there were other kinds of papers too—P. T. Zellerman’s study on the difference in the length of time it took white rats to learn a maze when the corners were curved rather than angular, or Worfel’s paper on the effect of intelligence level on the reaction-time of rhesus monkeys.

Papers like these made me angry. Money, time, and energy squandered on the detailed analysis of the trivial. Burt was right when he praised Nemur and Strauss for devoting themselves to something important and uncertain rather than to something insignificant and safe.

If only Nemur would look at me as a human being.

After the chairman announced the presentation from Beekman University, we took our seats on the platform behind the long table—Algernon in his cage between Burt and me. We were the main attraction of the evening, and when we were settled, the chairman began his introduction. I half expected to hear him boom out: Laideezzz and gentulmennnnnn. Step right this way and see the side show! An act never before seen in the scientific world! A mouse and a moron turned into geniuses before your very eyes!

I admit I had come here with a chip on my shoulder.

All he said was: “The next presentation really needs no introduction. We have all heard about the startling work being done at Beekman University, sponsored by the Welberg Foundation grants, under the direction of the chairman of the psychology department, Professor Nemur, in co-operation with Dr. Strauss of the Beekman Neuropsychiatric Center. Needless to say, this is a report we have all been looking forward to with great interest. I turn the meeting over to Professor Nemur and Dr. Strauss.”

Nemur nodded graciously at the chairman’s introductory praise and winked at Strauss in the triumph of the moment.

The first speaker from Beekman was Professor Clinger.

I was becoming irritated, and I could see that Algernon, upset by the smoke, the buzzing, the unaccustomed surroundings, was moving around in his cage nervously. I had the strangest compulsion to open his cage and let him out. It was an absurd thought—more of an itch than a thought—and I tried to ignore it. But as I listened to Professor Clinger’s stereotyped paper on “The effects of left-handed goal boxes in a T-maze versus right-handed goal boxes in a T-maze,” I found myself toying with the release-lock mechanism of Algernon’s cage.

In a short while (before Strauss and Nemur would unveil their crowning achievement) Burt would read a paper describing the procedures and results of administering intelligence and learning tests he had devised for Algernon. This would be followed by a demonstration as Algernon was put through his paces of solving a problem in order to get his meal (something I have never stopped resenting!).

Not that I had anything against Burt. He had always been straightforward with me—more so than most of the others—but when he described the white mouse who had been given intelligence, he was as pompous and artificial as the others. As if he were trying on the mantle of his teachers. I restrained myself at that point more out of friendship for Burt than anything else. Letting Algernon out of his cage would throw the meeting into chaos, and after all this was Burt’s debut into the rat-race of academic preferment.

I had my finger on the cage door release, and as Algernon watched the movement of my hand with his pink-candy eyes, I’m certain he knew what I had in mind. At that moment Burt took the cage for his demonstration. He explained the complexity of the shifting lock, and the problem-solving required each time the lock was to be opened. (Thin plastic bolts fell into place in varying patterns and had to be controlled by the mouse, who depressed a series of levers in the same order.) As Algernon’s intelligence increased, his problem-solving speed increased—that much was obvious. But then Burt revealed one thing I had not known.

At the peak of his intelligence, Algernon’s performance had become variable. There were times, according to Burt’s report, when Algernon refused to work at all—even when apparently hungry—and other times when he would solve the problem but, instead of taking his food reward, would hurl himself against the walls of his cage.

When someone from the audience asked Burt if he was suggesting that this erratic behavior was directly caused by increased intelligence, Burt ducked the question. “As far as I am concerned,” he said, “there’s not enough evidence to warrant that conclusion. There are other possibilities. It is possible that both the increased intelligence and the erratic behavior at this level were created by the original surgery, instead of one being a function of the other. It’s also possible that this erratic behavior is unique to Algernon. We didn’t find it in any of the other mice, but then none of the others achieved as high a level of intelligence nor maintained it for as long as Algernon has.”

I realized immediately that this information had been withheld from me. I suspected the reason, and I was annoyed, but that was nothing to the anger I felt when they brought out the films.

I had never known that my early performances and tests in the laboratory were filmed. There I was, at the table beside Burt, confused and open-mouthed as I tried to run the maze with the electric stylus. Each time I received a shock, my expression changed to an absurd wide-eyed stare, and then that foolish smile again. Each time it happened the audience roared. Race after race, it was repeated, and each time they found it funnier than before.

I told myself they were not gawking curiosity seekers, but scientists here in search of knowledge. They couldn’t help finding these pictures funny—but still, as Burt caught the spirit and made amusing comments on the films, I was overcome with a sense of mischief. It would be even funnier to see Algernon escape from his cage, and to see all these people scattering and crawling around on their hands and knees trying to retrieve a small, white, scurrying genius.

But I controlled myself, and by the time Strauss took the podium the impulse had passed.

Strauss dealt largely with the theory and techniques of neurosurgery, describing in detail how pioneer studies on the mapping of hormone control centers enabled him to isolate and stimulate these centers while at the same time removing the hormone-inhibitor producing portion of the cortex. He explained the enzyme-block theory and went on to describe my physical condition before and after surgery. Photographs (I didn’t know they had been taken) were passed around and commented on, and I could see by the nods and smiles that most people there agreed with him that the “dull, vacuous facial expression” had been transformed into an “alert, intelligent appearance.” He also discussed in detail the pertinent aspects of our therapy sessions—especially my changing attitudes toward free association on the couch.

I had come there as part of a scientific presentation, and I had expected to be put on exhibition, but everyone kept talking about me as if I were some kind of newly created thing they were presenting to the scientific world. No one in this room considered me an individual—a human being. The constant juxtaposition of “Algernon and Charlie,” and “Charlie and Algernon,” made it clear that they thought of both of us as a couple of experimental animals who had no existence outside the laboratory. But, aside from my anger, I couldn’t get it out of my mind that something was wrong.

Finally, it was Nemur’s turn to speak—to sum it all up as the head of the project—to take the spotlight as the author of a brilliant experiment. This was the day he had been waiting for.

He was impressive as he stood up there on the platform, and, as he spoke, I found myself nodding with him, agreeing with things I knew to be true. The testing, the experiment, the surgery, and my subsequent mental development were described at length, and his talk was enlivened by quotations from my progress reports. More than once I found myself hearing something personal or foolish read to this audience. Thank God I had been careful to keep most of the details about Alice and myself in my private file.

Then, at one point in his summary, he said it: “We who have worked on this project at Beekman University have the satisfaction of knowing we have taken one of nature’s mistakes and by our new techniques created a superior human being. When Charlie came to us he was outside of society, alone in a great city without friends or relatives to care about him, without the mental equipment to live a normal life. No past, no contact with the present, no hope for the future. It might be said that Charlie Gordon did not really exist before this experiment…. “

I don’t know why I resented it so intensely to have them think of me as something newly minted in their private treasury, but it was—I am certain—echoes of that idea that had been sounding in the chambers of my mind from the time we had arrived in Chicago. I wanted to get up and show everyone what a fool he was, to shout at him: I’m a human being, a person—with parents and memories and a history—and I was before you ever wheeled me into that operating room!

At the same time deep in the heat of my anger there was forged an overwhelming insight into the thing that had disturbed me when Strauss spoke and again when Nemur amplified his data. They had made a mistake—of course! The statistical evaluation of the waiting period necessary to prove the permanence of the change had been based on earlier experiments in the field of mental development and learning, on waiting periods with normally dull or normally intelligent animals. But it was obvious that the waiting period would have to be extended in those cases where an animal’s intelligence had been increased two or three times.

Nemur’s conclusions had been premature. For both Algernon and myself, it would take more time to see if this change would stick. The professors had made a mistake, and no one else had caught it. I wanted to jump up and tell them, but I couldn’t move. Like Algernon, I found myself behind the mesh of the cage they had built around me.

Now there would be a question period, and before I would be allowed to have my dinner, I would be required to perform before this distinguished gathering. No. I had to get out of there.

“…In one sense, he was the result of modern psychological experimentation. In place of a feeble-minded shell, a burden on the society that must fear his irresponsible behavior, we have a man of dignity and sensitivity, ready to take his place as a contributing member of society. I should like you all to hear a few words from Charlie Gordon…”

God damn him. He didn’t know what he was talking about. At that point, the compulsion overwhelmed me. I watched in fascination as my hand moved, independent of my will, to pull down the latch of Algernon’s cage. As I opened it he looked up at me and paused. Then he turned, darted out of his cage, and scampered across the long table.

At first, he was lost against the damask tablecloth, a blur of white on white, until a woman at the table screamed, knocking her chair backwards as she leaped to her feet. Beyond her, pitchers of water overturned, and then Burt shouted. “Algernon’s loose!” Algernon jumped down from the table, onto the platform and then to the floor.

“Get him! Get him!” Nemur screeched as the audience, divided in its aims, became a tangle of arms and legs. Some of the women (non-experimentalists?) tried to stand on the unstable folding chairs while others, trying to help corner Algernon, knocked them over.

“Close those back doors!” shouted Burt, who realized Algernon was smart enough to head in that direction.

“Run,” I heard myself shout. “The side door!”

“He’s gone out the side door,” someone echoed.

“Get him! Get him!” begged Nemur.

The crowd surged out of the Grand Ballroom into the corridor, as Algernon, scampering along the maroon carpeted hallway, led them a merry chase. Under Louis XIV tables, around potted palms, up stairways, around corners, down stairways, into the main lobby, picking up other people as we went. Seeing them all running back and forth in the lobby, chasing a white mouse smarter than many of them, was the funniest thing that had happened in a long time.

“Go ahead, laugh!” snorted Nemur, who nearly bumped into me, “but if we don’t find him, the whole experiment is in danger.”

I pretended to be looking for Algernon under a waste basket. “Do you know something?” I said. “You’ve made a mistake. And after today, maybe it just won’t matter at all.”

Seconds later, half a dozen women came screaming out of the powder room, skirts clutched frantically around their legs.

“He’s in there,” someone yelled. But for a moment, the searching crowd was stayed by the handwriting on the wall—Ladies. I was the first to cross the invisible barrier and enter the sacred gates.

Algernon was perched on top of one of the washbasins, glaring at his reflection in the mirror.

“Come on,” I said. “We’ll get out of here together.”

He let me pick him up and put him into my jacket pocket. “Stay in there quietly until I tell you.”

The others came bursting through the swinging doors—looking guiltily as if they expected to see screaming nude females. I walked out as they searched the washroom, and I heard Burt’s voice. “There’s a hole in that ventilator. Maybe he went up there.”

“Find out where it leads to,” said Strauss.

“You go up to the second floor,” said Nemur, waving to Strauss. “I’ll go down to the basement.”

At this point they burst out of the ladies’ room and the forces split. I followed behind the Strauss contingent up to the second floor as they tried to discover where the ventilator led to. When Strauss and White and their half-dozen followers turned right down Corridor B, I turned left up Corridor C and took the elevator to my room.

I closed the door behind me, and patted my pocket. A pink snout and white fuzz poked out and looked around. “I’ll just get my things packed,” I said, “and we’ll take off—just you and me—a couple of man-made geniuses on the run.”

I had the bellhop put the bags and the tape-recorder into a waiting taxi, paid my hotel bill, and walked out the revolving door with the object of the search nestling in my jacket pocket. I used my return-flight ticket to New York.

Instead of going back to my place, I plan to stay at a hotel here in the city for one or two nights. We’ll use that as a base of operations while I look for a furnished apartment, somewhere midtown. I want to be near Times Square.

Talking all this out makes me feel a lot better—even a little silly. I don’t really know why I got so upset, or what I’m doing on a jet heading back to New York with Algernon in a shoebox under the seat. I mustn’t panic. The mistake doesn’t necessarily mean anything serious. It’s just that things are not as definite as Nemur believed. But where do I go from here?

First, I’ve got to see my parents. As soon as I can.

I may not have all the time I thought I had….