May 1—Why haven’t I ever noticed how beautiful Alice Kinnian is? She has pigeon-soft brown eyes and feathery brown hair down to the hollow of her neck. When she smiles, her full lips look as if she’s pouting.

We went to a movie and then to dinner. I didn’t see much of the first picture because I was too conscious of her sitting next to me. Twice her bare arm touched mine on the armrest, and both times the fear that she would become annoyed made me pull back. All I could think about was her soft skin just inches away. Then I saw, two rows ahead of us, a young man with his arm around his girl, and I wanted to put my arm around Miss Kinnian. Terrifying. But if I did it slowly … first resting my arm on the back of her seat … moving up … inch by inch … to rest near her shoulders and the back of her neck … casually…

I didn’t dare.

The best I could do was rest my elbow on the back of her seat, but by the time I got there I had to shift position to wipe the perspiration off my face and neck.

Once, her leg accidentally brushed against mine.

It became such an ordeal—so painful—that I forced myself to take my mind off her. The first picture had been a war film, and all I caught was the ending where the G.I. goes back to Europe to marry the woman who saved his life. The second picture interested me. A psychological film about a man and woman apparently in love but actually destroying each other. Everything suggests that the man is going to kill his wife but at the last moment, something she screams out in a nightmare makes him recall something that happened to him during his childhood. The sudden memory shows him that his hatred is really directed at a depraved governess who had terrified him with frightening stories and left a flaw in his personality. Excited at discovering this, he cries out with joy so that his wife awakens. He takes her in his arms and the implication is that all his problems have been solved. It was pat and cheap, and I must have shown my anger because Alice wanted to know what was wrong. “It’s a lie,” I explained, as we walked out into the lobby. “Things just don’t happen that way.”

“Of course not.” She laughed. “It’s a world of make-believe.”

“Oh, no! That’s no answer.” I insisted. “Even in the world of make-believe there have to be rules. The parts have to be consistent and belong together. This kind of picture is a lie. Things are forced to fit because the writer or the director or somebody wanted something in that didn’t belong. And it doesn’t feel right.”

She looked at me thoughtfully as we walked out into the bright dazzling night-lights of Times Square. “You’re coming along fast.”

“I’m confused. I don’t know what I know any more.”

“Never mind that,” she insisted. “You’re beginning to see and understand things.” She waved her hand to take in all of the neon and glitter around us as we crossed over to Seventh Avenue. “You’re beginning to see what’s behind the surface of things. What you say about the parts having to belong together—that was a pretty good insight.”

“Oh, come on now. I don’t feel as if I’m accomplishing anything. I don’t understand about myself or my past. I don’t even know where my parents are, or what they look like. Do you know that when I see them in a flash of memory or in a dream the faces are a blur? I want to see their expressions. I can’t understand what’s going on unless I can see their faces—”

“Charlie, calm down.” People were turning to stare. She slipped her arm through mine and pulled me close to restrain me. “Be patient. Don’t forget you’re accomplishing in weeks what takes others a lifetime. You’re a giant sponge soaking in knowledge. Soon you’ll begin to connect things up, and you’ll see how all the different worlds of learning are related. All the levels, Charlie, like steps on a giant ladder. And you’ll climb higher and higher to see more and more of the world around you.”

As we entered the cafeteria on Forty-fifth Street and picked up our trays, she spoke animatedly. “Ordinary people,” she said, “can see only a little bit. They can’t change much or go any higher than they are, but you’re a genius. You’ll keep going up and up, and see more and more. And each step will reveal worlds you never even knew existed.”

People on the line who heard her turned to stare at me, and only when I nudged her to stop did she lower her voice. “I just hope to God,” she whispered, “that you don’t get hurt.”

For a little while after that I didn’t know what to say. We ordered our food at the counter and carried it to our table and ate without talking. The silence made me nervous. I knew what she meant about her fear, so I joked about it.

“Why should I get hurt? I couldn’t be any worse off than I was before. Even Algernon is still smart, isn’t he? As long as he’s up there I’m in good shape.” She toyed with her knife making circular depressions in a pat of butter and the movement hypnotized me. “And besides,” I told her, “I overheard something—Professor Nemur and Dr. Strauss were arguing, and Nemur said he’s positive that nothing can go wrong.”

“I hope so,” she said. “You have no idea how afraid I’ve been that something might go wrong. I feel partly responsible.” She saw me staring at the knife and she put it down carefully beside her plate.

“I never would have done it but for you,” I said.

She laughed and it made me tremble. That’s when I saw that her eyes were soft brown. She looked down at the tablecloth quickly and blushed.

“Thank you, Charlie,” she said, and took my hand.

It was the first time anyone had ever done that, and it made me bolder. I leaned forward, holding on to her hand, and the words came out. “I like you very much.” After I said it, I was afraid she’d laugh, but she nodded and smiled.

“I like you too, Charlie.”

“But it’s more than liking. What I mean is … oh hell! I don’t know what I mean.” I knew I was blushing and I didn’t know where to look or what to do with my hands. I dropped a fork, and when I tried to retrieve it, I knocked over a glass of water and it spilled on her dress. Suddenly, I had become clumsy and awkward again, and when I tried to apologize I found my tongue had become too large for my mouth.

“That’s all right, Charlie,” she tried to reassure me. “It’s only water. Don’t let it upset you this way.”

In the taxi on the way home, we were silent for a long time, and then she put down her purse and straightened my tie and puffed up my breast pocket handkerchief. “You were very upset tonight, Charlie.”

“I feel ridiculous.”

“I upset you by talking about it. I made you selfconscious.”

“It’s not that. What bothers me is that I can’t put into words the way I feel.”

“These feelings are new to you. Not everything has to … be put into words.”

I moved closer to her and tried to take her hand again, but she pulled away. “No, Charlie. I don’t think this is good for you. I’ve upset you, and it might have a negative effect.”

When she put me off, I felt awkward and ridiculous at the same time. It made me angry with myself and I pulled back to my side of the seat and stared out the window. I hated her as I had never hated anyone before—with her easy answers and maternal fussing. I wanted to slap her face, to make her crawl, and then to hold her in my arms and kiss her.

“Charlie, I’m sorry if I’ve upset you.”

“Forget it.”

“But you’ve got to understand what’s happening.”

“I understand,” I said, “and I’d rather not talk about it.”

By the time the cab reached her apartment on Seventy-seventh Street, I was thoroughly miserable.

“Look,” she said, “this is my fault. I shouldn’t have gone out with you tonight.”

“Yes, I see that now.”

“What I mean is, we have no right to put this on a personal … emotional level. You have so much to do. I have no right to come into your life at this time.”

“That’s my worry, isn’t it?”

“Is it? This isn’t your private affair any more, Charlie. You’ve got obligations now—not only to Professor Nemur and Dr. Strauss, but to the millions who may follow in your footsteps.”

The more she talked that way, the worse I felt. She highlighted my awkwardness, my lack of knowledge about the right things to say and do. I was a blundering adolescent in her eyes, and she was trying to let me down easy.

As we stood at the door to her apartment, she turned and smiled at me and for a moment I thought she was going to invite me in, but she just whispered: “Good night, Charlie. Thank you for a wonderful evening.”

I wanted to kiss her good night. I had worried about it earlier. Didn’t a woman expect you to kiss her? In the novels I’d read and the movies I’d seen, the man makes the advances. I had decided last night that I would kiss her. But I kept thinking: what if she turns me down?

I moved closer and reached for her shoulders, but she was too quick for me. She stopped me and took my hand in hers. “We’d better just say good night this way, Charlie. We can’t let this get personal. Not yet.”

And before I could protest, or ask what she meant by not yet, she started inside. “Good night, Charlie, and thank you again for a lovely … lovely time.” And closed the door.

I was furious at her, myself, and the world, but by the time I got home, I realized she was right. Now, I don’t know whether she cares for me or if she was just being kind. What could she possibly see in me? What makes it so awkward is that I’ve never experienced anything like this before. How does a person go about learning how to act toward another person? How does a man learn how to behave toward a woman?

The books don’t help much.

But next time, I’m going to kiss her good night.

May 3—One of the things that confuses me is never really knowing when something comes up from my past, whether it really happened that way, or if that was the way it seemed to be at the time, or if I’m inventing it. I’m like a man who’s been half-asleep all his life, trying to find out what he was like before he woke up. Everything is strangely slow-motion and blurred.

I had a nightmare last night, and when I woke up I remembered something.

First the nightmare: I’m running down a long corridor, half blinded by the swirls of dust. At times I run forward and then I float around and run backwards, but I’m afraid because I’m hiding something in my pocket. I don’t know what it is or where I got it, but I know they want to take it away from me and that frightens me.

The wall breaks down and suddenly there is a redhaired girl with her arms outstretched to me—her face is a blank mask. She takes me into her arms, kisses and caresses me, and I want to hold her tightly but I’m afraid. The more she touches me, the more frightened I become because I know I must never touch a girl. Then, as her body rubs up against mine, I feel a strange bubbling and throbbing inside me that makes me warm. But when I look up I see a bloody knife in her hands.

I try to scream as I run, but no sound comes out of my throat, and my pockets are empty. I search in my pockets but I don’t know what it is I’ve lost or why I was hiding it. I know only that it’s gone, and there is blood on my hands too.

When I woke up, I thought of Alice, and I had the same feeling of panic as in the dream. What am I afraid of? Something about the knife.

I made myself a cup of coffee and smoked a cigarette. I’d never had a dream like it before, and I knew it was connected with my evening with Alice. I have begun to think of her in a different way.

Free association is still difficult, because it’s hard not to control the direction of your thoughts … just to leave your mind open and let anything flow into it … ideas bubbling to the surface like a bubble bath … a woman bathing … a girl … Norma taking a bath … I am watching through the keyhole … and when she gets out of the tub to dry herself I see that her body is different from mine. Something is missing.

Running down the hallway … somebody chasing me … not a person … just a big flashing kitchen knife … and I’m scared and crying but no voice comes out because my neck is cut and I’m bleeding…

“Mama, Charlie is peeking at me through the keyhole…”

Why is she different? What happened to her?…blood … bleeding … a dark cubbyhole…

Three blind mice … three blind mice,
See how they run! See how they run!
They all run after the farmer’s wife,
She cut off their tails with a carving knife,
Did you ever see such a sight in your life,
As three … blind … mice?

Charlie, alone in the kitchen early in the morning. Everyone else asleep, and he amuses himself playing with his spinner. One of the buttons pops off his shirt as he bends over, and it rolls across the intricate line-pattern of the kitchen linoleum. It rolls towards the bathroom and he follows, but then he loses it. Where is the button? He goes into the bathroom to find it. There is a closet in the bathroom where the clothes hamper is, and he likes to take out all the clothes and look at them. His father’s things and his mother’s … and Norma’s dresses. He would like to try them on and make believe he is Norma, but once when he did that his mother spanked him for it. There in the clothes hamper he finds Norma’s underwear with dried blood. What had she done wrong? He was terrified. Whoever had done it might come looking for him….

Why does a memory like that from childhood remain with me so strongly, and why does it frighten me now? Is it because of my feelings for Alice?

Thinking about it now, I can understand why I was taught to keep away from women. It was wrong for me to express my feelings to Alice. I have no right to think of a woman that way—not yet.

But even as I write these words, something inside shouts that there is more. I’m a person. I was somebody before I went under the surgeon’s knife. And I have to love someone.

May 8—Even now that I have learned what has been going on behind Mr. Donner’s back, I find it hard to believe. I first noticed something was wrong during the rush hour two days ago. Gimpy was behind the counter wrapping a birthday cake for one of our regular customers—a cake that sells for $3.95. But when Gimpy rang up the sale the register showed only $2.95. I started to tell him he had made a mistake, but in the mirror behind the counter I saw a wink and smile that passed from the customer to Gimpy and the answering smile on Gimpy’s face. And when the man took his change, I saw the flash of a large silver coin left behind in Gimpy’s hand, before his fingers closed on it, and the quick movement with which he slipped the half-dollar into his pocket.

“Charlie,” said a woman behind me, “are there any more of those cream-filled éclairs?”

“I’ll go back and find out.”

I was glad of the interruption because it gave me time to think about what I had seen. Certainly, Gimpy had not made a mistake. He had deliberately undercharged the customer, and there had been an understanding between them.

I leaned limply against the wall not knowing what to do. Gimpy had worked for Mr. Donner for over fifteen years. Donner—who always treated his workers like close friends, like relatives—had invited Gimpy’s family to his house for dinner more than once. He often put Gimpy in charge of the shop when he had to go out, and I had heard stories of the times Donner gave Gimpy money to pay his wife’s hospital bills.

It was incredible that anyone would steal from such a man. There had to be some other explanation. Gimpy had really made a mistake in ringing up the sale, and the half-dollar was a tip. Or perhaps Mr. Donner had made some special arrangement for this one customer who regularly bought cream cakes. Anything rather than believe that Gimpy was stealing. Gimpy had always been so nice to me.

I no longer wanted to know. I kept my eyes averted from the register as I brought out the tray of éclairs and sorted out the cookies, buns, and cakes.

But when the little red-haired woman came in—the one who always pinched my cheek and joked about finding a girl friend for me—I recalled that she came in most often when Donner was out to lunch and Gimpy was behind the counter. Gimpy had often sent me out to deliver orders to her house.

Involuntarily, my mind totaled her purchases to $4.53. But I turned away so that I would not see what Gimpy rang up on the cash register. I wanted to know the truth, and yet I was afraid of what I might learn.

“Two forty-five, Mrs. Wheeler,” he said.

The ring of the sale. The counting of change. The slam of the drawer. “Thank you, Mrs. Wheeler.” I turned just in time to see him putting his hand into his pocket, and I heard the faint clink of coins.

How many times had he used me as a go-between to deliver packages to her, undercharging her so that later they could split the difference? Had he used me all these years to help him steal?

I couldn’t take my eyes off Gimpy as he clomped around behind the counter, perspiration streaming down from under his paper cap. He seemed animated and good-natured, but looking up he caught my eye, frowned and turned away.

I wanted to hit him. I wanted to go behind the counter and smash his face in. I don’t remember ever hating anyone before—but this morning I hated Gimpy with all my heart.

Pouring this all out on paper in the quiet of my room has not helped. Every time I think of Gimpy stealing from Mr. Donner I want to smash something. Fortunately, I don’t think I’m capable of violence. I don’t think I ever hit anyone in my life.

But I still have to decide what to do. Tell Donner that his trusted employee has been stealing from him all these years? Gimpy would deny it, and I could never prove it was true. And what would it do to Mr. Donner? I don’t know what to do.

May 9—I can’t sleep. This has gotten to me. I owe Mr. Donner too much to stand by and see him robbed this way. I’d be as guilty as Gimpy by my silence. And yet, is it my place to inform on him? The thing that bothers me most is that when he sent me on deliveries he used me to help him steal from Donner. Not knowing about it, I was outside it—not to blame. But now that I know, by my silence I am as guilty as he is.

Yet, Gimpy is a co-worker. Three children. What will he do if Donner fires him? He might not be able to get another job—especially with his club foot.

Is that my worry?

What’s right? Ironic that all my intelligence doesn’t help me solve a problem like this.

May 10—I asked Professor Nemur about it, and he insists that I’m an innocent bystander and there’s no reason for me to become involved in what would be an unpleasant situation. The fact that I’ve been used as a go-between doesn’t seem to bother him at all. If I didn’t understand what was happening at the time, he says, then it doesn’t matter. I’m no more to blame than the knife is to blame in a stabbing, or the car in a collision.

“But I’m not an inanimate object,” I argued. “I’m a person.”

He looked confused for a moment and then laughed. “Of course, Charlie. But I wasn’t referring to now. I meant before the operation.”

Smug, pompous—I felt like hitting him too. “I was a person before the operation. In case you forgot—”

“Yes, of course, Charlie. Don’t misunderstand. But it was different…” And then he remembered that he had to check some charts in the lab.

Dr. Strauss doesn’t talk much during our psychotherapy sessions, but today when I brought it up, he said that I was morally obligated to tell Mr. Donner. But the more I thought about it the less simple it became. I had to have someone else to break the tie, and the only one I could think of was Alice. Finally, at ten thirty I couldn’t hold out any longer. I dialed three times, broke off in the middle each time, but on the fourth try, I managed to hold on until her voice.

At first she didn’t think she should see me, but I begged her to meet me at the cafeteria where we had dinner together. “I respect you—you’ve always given me good advice.” And when she still wavered, I insisted. “You have to help me. You’re partly responsible. You said so yourself. If not for you I would never have gone into this in the first place. You just can’t shrug me off now.”

She must have sensed the urgency because she agreed to meet me. I hung up and stared at the phone. Why was it so important for me to know what she thought, how she felt? For more than a year at the Adult Center the only thing that mattered was pleasing her. Was that why I had agreed to the operation in the first place?

I paced up and back in front of the cafeteria until the policeman began to eye me suspiciously. Then I went in and bought coffee. Fortunately, the table we had used last time was empty. She would think of looking for me back there.

She saw me and waved to me, but stopped at the counter for coffee before she came over to the table. She smiled and I knew it was because I had chosen the same table. A foolish, romantic gesture.

“I know it’s late,” I apologized, “but I swear I was going out of my mind. I had to talk to you.”

She sipped her coffee and listened quietly as I explained how I had found out about Gimpy’s cheating, my own reaction, and the conflicting advice I’d gotten at the lab. When I finished, she sat back and shook her head.

“Charlie, you amaze me. In some ways you’re so advanced, and yet when it comes to making a decision, you’re still a child. I can’t decide for you, Charlie. The answer can’t be found in books—or be solved by bringing it to other people. Not unless you want to remain a child all your life. You’ve got to find the answer inside you—feel the right thing to do. Charlie, you’ve got to learn to trust yourself.”

At first, I was annoyed at her lecture, but then suddenly—it began to make sense. “You mean, I’ve got to decide?”

She nodded.

“In fact,” I said, “now that I think of it, I believe I’ve already decided some of it! I think Nemur and Strauss are both wrong!”

She was watching me closely, excitedly. “Something is happening to you, Charlie. If you could only see your face.”

“You’re damned right, something is happening! A cloud of smoke was hanging in front of my eyes, and with one breath you blew it away. A simple idea. Trust myself. And it never occurred to me before.”

“Charlie, you’re wonderful.”

I caught her hand and held it. “No, it’s you. You touch my eyes and make me see.”

She blushed and pulled her hand back.

“The last time we were here,” I said, “I told you I liked you. I should have trusted myself to say I love you.”

“Don’t, Charlie. Not yet.”

“Not yet?” I shouted. “That’s what you said last time. Why not yet?”

“Shhhh … Wait a while, Charlie. Finish your studies. See where they lead you. You’re changing too fast.”

“What does that have to do with it? My feeling for you won’t change because I’m becoming intelligent. I’ll only love you more.”

“But you’re changing emotionally too. In a peculiar sense I’m the first woman you’ve ever been really aware of—in this way. Up to now I’ve been your teacher—someone you turn to for help and advice. You’re bound to think you’re in love with me. See other women. Give yourself more time.”

“What you’re saying is that young boys are always falling in love with their teachers, and that emotionally I’m still just a boy.”

“You’re twisting my words around. No, I don’t think of you as a boy.”

“Emotionally retarded then.”

“No.”

“Then, why?”

“Charlie, don’t push me. I don’t know. Already, you’ve gone beyond my intellectual reach. In a few months or even weeks, you’ll be a different person. When you mature intellectually, we may not be able to communicate. When you mature emotionally, you may not even want me. I’ve got to think of myself too, Charlie. Let’s wait and see. Be patient.”

She was making sense, but I wasn’t letting myself listen. “The other night—” I choked out, “You don’t know how much I looked forward to that date. I was out of my mind wondering how to behave, what to say, wanting to make the best impression, and terrified I might say something to make you angry.”

“You didn’t make me angry. I was flattered.”

“Then, when can I see you again?”

“I have no right to let you get involved.”

“But I am involved!” I shouted, and then seeing people turn to look, I lowered my voice until it trembled with anger. “I’m a person—a man—and I can’t live with just books and tapes and electronic mazes. You say, ‘see other women.’ How can I when I don’t know any other women? Something inside is burning me up, and all I know is it makes me think of you. I’m in the middle of a page and I see your face on it—not blurred like those in my past, but clear and alive. I touch the page and your face is gone and I want to tear the book apart and throw it away.”

“Please, Charlie…”

“Let me see you again.”

“Tomorrow at the lab.”

“You know that’s not what I mean. Away from the lab. Away from the university. Alone.”

I could tell she wanted to say yes. She was surprised by my insistence. I was surprised at myself. I only knew that I couldn’t stop pressing her. And yet there was a terror in my throat as I begged her. My palms were damp. Was I afraid she’d say no, or afraid she’d say yes? If she hadn’t broken the tension by answering me, I think I would have fainted.

“All right, Charlie. Away from the lab and the university, but not alone. I don’t think we should be alone together.”

“Anywhere you say,” I gasped. “Just so I can be with you and not think of tests … statistics … questions … answers…”

She frowned for a moment. “All right. They have free spring concerts in Central Park. Next week you can take me to one of the concerts.”

When we got to her doorway, she turned quickly and kissed my cheek. “Good night, Charlie. I’m glad you called me. I’ll see you at the lab.” She closed the door and I stood outside the building and looked at the light in her apartment window until it went out.

There is no question about it now. I’m in love.

May 11—After all this thinking and worrying, I realized Alice was right. I had to trust my intuition. At the bakery, I watched Gimpy more closely. Three times today, I saw him undercharging customers and pocketing his portion of the difference as the customers passed money back to him. It was only with certain regular customers that he did it, and it occurred to me that these people were as guilty as he. Without their agreement this could never take place. Why should Gimpy be the scapegoat?

That’s when I decided on the compromise. It might not be the perfect decision, but it was my decision, and it seemed to be the best answer under the circumstances. I would tell Gimpy what I knew and warn him to stop.

I got him alone back by the washroom, and when I came up to him he started away. “I’ve got something important to talk to you about,” I said. “I want your advice for a friend who has a problem. He’s discovered that one of his fellow employees is cheating his boss, and he doesn’t know what to do about it. He doesn’t like the idea of informing and getting the guy into trouble, but he won’t stand by and let his boss—who has been good to both of them—be cheated.”

Gimpy looked at me hard. “What does this friend of yours plan to do about it?”

“That’s the trouble. He doesn’t want to do anything. He feels if the stealing stops there would be nothing gained by doing anything at all. He would forget about it.”

“Your friend ought to keep his nose in his own business,” said Gimpy, shifting off his club foot. “He ought to keep his eyes closed to things like that and know who his friends are. A boss is a boss, and working people got to stick together.”

“My friend doesn’t feel that way.”

“It’s none of his business.”

“He feels that if he knows about it he’s partly responsible. So he’s decided that if the thing stops, he’s got nothing more to say. Otherwise, he’ll tell the whole story. I wanted to ask your opinion. Do you think that under the circumstances the stealing will stop?”

It was a strain for him to conceal his anger. I could see that he wanted to hit me, but he just kept squeezing his fist.

“Tell your friend the guy doesn’t seem to have any choice.”

“That’s fine,” I said. “That will make my friend very happy.”

Gimpy started away, and then he paused and looked back. “Your friend—could it be maybe he’s interested in a cut? Is that his reason?”

“No, he just wants the whole thing to stop.”

He glared at me. “I can tell you, you’ll be sorry you stuck your nose in. I always stood up for you. I should of had my head examined.” And then he limped off.

Perhaps I ought to have told Donner the whole story and had Gimpy fired—I don’t know. Doing it this way has something to be said for it. It’s over and done with. But how many people are there like Gimpy who use other people that way?

May 15—My studies are going well. The university library is my second home now. They’ve had to get me a private room because it takes me only a second to absorb the printed page, and curious students invariably gather around me as I flip through my books.

My most absorbing interests at the present time are etymologies of ancient languages, the newer works on the calculus of variations, and Hindu history. It’s amazing the way things, apparently disconnected, hang together. I’ve moved up to another plateau, and now the streams of the various disciplines seem to be closer to each other as if they flow from a single source.

Strange how when I’m in the college cafeteria and hear the students arguing about history or politics or religion, it all seems so childish.

I find no pleasure in discussing ideas any more on such an elementary level. People resent being shown that they don’t approach the complexities of the problem—they don’t know what exists beyond the surface ripples. It’s just as bad on a higher level, and I’ve given up any attempt to discuss these things with the professors at Beekman.

Burt introduced me to an economics professor at the faculty cafeteria, one well known for his work on the economic factors affecting interest rates. I had long wanted to talk to an economist about some of the ideas I had come across in my reading. The moral aspects of the military blockade as a weapon in times of peace had been bothering me. I asked him what he thought of the suggestion by some senators that we begin using such tactics as “blacklisting” and reinforcement of the navicert controls that had been used in World Wars I and II, against some of the smaller nations which now oppose us.

He listened quietly, staring off into space, and I assumed he was collecting his thoughts for an answer, but a few minutes later he cleared his throat and shook his head. That, he explained apologetically, was outside his area of specialization. His interest was in interest rates, and he hadn’t given military economics much thought. He suggested I see Dr. Wessey, who once did a paper on War Trade Agreements during World War II. He might be able to help me.

Before I could say anything else, he grabbed my hand and shook it. He had been glad to meet me, but there were some notes he had to assemble for a lecture. And then he was gone.

The same thing happened when I tried to discuss Chaucer with an American literature specialist, questioned an Orientalist about the Trobriand Islanders, and tried to focus on the problems of automation-caused unemployment with a social psychologist who specialized in public opinion polls on adolescent behavior. They would always find excuses to slip away, afraid to reveal the narrowness of their knowledge.

How different they seem to be now. And how foolish I was ever to have thought that professors were intellectual giants. They’re people—and afraid the rest of the world will find out. And Alice is a person too—a woman, not a goddess—and I’m taking her to the concert tomorrow night.

May 17—Almost morning and I can’t fall asleep. I’ve got to understand what happened to me last night at the concert.

The evening started out well enough. The Mall at Central Park had filled up early, and Alice and I had to pick our way among the couples stretched out on the grass. Finally, far back from the path, we found an unused tree where—out of the range of lamplight—the only evidence of other couples was the protesting female laughter and the glow of lit cigarettes.

“This will be fine,” she said. “No reason to be right on top of the orchestra.”

“What’s that they’re playing now?” I asked.

“Debussy’s La Mer. Do you like it?”

I settled down beside her. “I don’t know much about this kind of music. I have to think about it.”

“Don’t think about it,” she whispered. “Feel it. Let it sweep over you like the sea without trying to understand.” She lay back on the grass and turned her face in the direction of the music.

I had no way of knowing what she expected of me. This was far from the clear lines of problem-solving and the systematic acquisition of knowledge. I kept telling myself that the sweating palms, the tightness in my chest, the desire to put my arms around her were merely biochemical reactions. I even traced the pattern of stimulus-and-reaction that caused my nervousness and excitement. Yet everything was fuzzy and uncertain. Should I put my arm around her or not? Was she waiting for me to do it? Would she get angry? I could tell I was still behaving like an adolescent and it angered me.

“Here,” I choked, “why don’t you make yourself more comfortable? Rest on my shoulder.” She let me put my arm around her, but she didn’t look at me. She seemed to be too absorbed in the music to realize what I was doing. Did she want me to hold her that way, or was she merely tolerating it? As I slipped my arm down to her waist, I felt her tremble, but still she kept staring in the direction of the orchestra. She was pretending to be concentrating on the music so that she wouldn’t have to respond to me. She didn’t want to know what was happening. As long as she looked away, and listened, she could pretend that my closeness, my arms around her, were without her knowledge or consent. She wanted me to make love to her body while she kept her mind on higher things. I reached over roughly and turned her chin. “Why don’t you look at me? Are you pretending I don’t exist?”

“No, Charlie,” she whispered. “I’m pretending I don’t exist.”

When I touched her shoulder she stiffened and trembled, but I pulled her toward me. Then it happened. It started as a hollow buzzing in my ears … an electric saw … far away. Then the cold: arms and legs prickly, and finger numbing. Suddenly, I had the feeling I was being watched.

A sharp switch in perception. I saw, from some point in the darkness behind a tree, the two of us lying in each other’s arms.

I looked up to see a boy of fifteen or sixteen, crouching nearby. “Hey!” I shouted. As he stood up, I saw his trousers were open and he was exposed.

“What’s the matter?” she gasped.

I jumped up, and he vanished into the darkness. “Did you see him?”

“No,” she said, smoothing her skirt nervously. “I didn’t see anyone.”

“Standing right here. Watching us. Close enough to touch you.”

“Charlie, where are you going?”

“He couldn’t have gotten very far.”

“Leave him alone, Charlie. It doesn’t matter.”

But it mattered to me. I ran into the darkness, stumbling over startled couples, but there was no way to tell where he had gone.

The more I thought about him, the worse became the queasy feeling that comes before fainting. Lost and alone in a great wilderness. And then I caught hold of myself and found my way back to where Alice was sitting.

“Did you find him?”

“No, but he was there. I saw him.”

She looked at me strangely. “Are you all right?”

“I will be … in a minute … Just that damned buzzing in my ears.”

“Maybe we’d better go.”

All the way back to her apartment, it was on my mind that the boy had been crouching there in the darkness, and for one second I had caught a glimpse of what he was seeing—the two of us lying in each other’s arms.

“Would you like to come in? I could make some coffee.”

I wanted to, but something warned me against it. “Better not. I’ve got a lot of work to do tonight.”

“Charlie, is it anything I said or did?”

“Of course not. Just that kid watching us upset me.”

She was standing close to me, waiting for me to kiss her. I put my arm around her, but it happened again. If I didn’t get away quickly, I would pass out.

“Charlie, you look sick.”

“Did you see him, Alice? The truth…”

She shook her head. “No. It was too dark. But I’m sure—”

“I’ve got to go. I’ll call you.” And before she could stop me, I pulled away. I had to get out of that building before everything caved in.

Thinking about it now, I’m certain it was a hallucination. Dr. Strauss feels that emotionally I’m still in that adolescent state where being close to a woman, or thinking of sex, sets off anxiety, panic, even hallucinations. He feels that my rapid intellectual development has deceived me into thinking I could live a normal emotional life. But I’ve got to accept the fact that the fears and blocks triggered in these sexual situations reveal that emotionally I’m still an adolescent—sexually retarded. I guess he means I’m not ready for a relationship with a woman like Alice Kinnian. Not yet.

May 20—I’ve been fired from my job at the bakery. I know it was foolish of me to hang on to the past, but there was something about the place with its white brick walls browned by oven heat … It was home to me.

What did I do to make them hate me so?

I can’t blame Donner. He’s got to think of his business, and the other employees. And yet, he’s been closer to me than a father.

He called me into his office, cleared the statements and bills off the solitary chair beside his roll-top desk, and without looking up at me, he said, “I’ve been meaning to talk to you. Now is as good a time as any.”

It seems foolish now, but as I sat there staring at him—short, chubby, with the ragged light-brown moustache comically drooping over his upper lip—it was as if both of me, the old Charlie and the new, were sitting on that chair, frightened at what Old Mr. Donner was going to say.

“Charlie, your Uncle Herman was a good friend of mine. I kept my promise to him to keep you on the job, good times and bad, so that you didn’t ever want for a dollar in your pocket and a place to lay your head without being put away in that home.”

“The bakery is my home—”

“And I treated you like my own son who gave up his life for his country. And when Herman died—how old were you? seventeen? more like a six-year-old boy—I swore to myself … I said, Arthur Donner, as long as you got a bakery and a business over your head, you’re going to look after Charlie. He is going to have a place to work, a bed to sleep in, and bread in his mouth. When they committed you to that Warren place, I told them how you would work for me, and I would take care of you. You didn’t spend even one night in that place. I got you a room and I looked after you. Now, have I kept that solemn promise?”

I nodded, but I could see by the way he was folding and unfolding his bills that he was having trouble. And as much as I didn’t want to know—I knew. “I’ve tried my best to do a good job. I’ve worked hard….”

“I know, Charlie. Nothing’s wrong with your work. But something happened to you, and I don’t understand what it means. Not only me. Everyone has been talking about it. I’ve had them in here a dozen times in the last few weeks. They’re all upset. Charlie, I got to let you go.”

I tried to stop him but he shook his head.

“There was a delegation in to see me last night. Charlie, I got my business to hold together.”

He was staring at his hands, turning the paper over and over as if he hoped to find something on it that was not there before. “I’m sorry, Charlie.”

“But where will I go?”

He peered up at me for the first time since we’d walked into his cubbyhole office. “You know as well as I do that you don’t need to work here any more.”

“Mr. Donner, I’ve never worked anywhere else.”

“Let’s face it. You’re not the Charlie who came in here seventeen years ago—not even the same Charlie of four months ago. You haven’t talked about it. It’s your own affair. Maybe a miracle of some kind—who knows? But you’ve changed into a very smart young man. And operating the dough mixer and delivering packages is no work for a smart young man.”

He was right, of course, but something inside me wanted to make him change his mind.

“You’ve got to let me stay, Mr. Donner. Give me another chance. You said yourself that you promised Uncle Herman I would have a job here for as long as I needed it. Well, I still need it, Mr. Donner.”

“You don’t, Charlie. If you did then I’d tell them I don’t care about their delegations and their petitions, and I’d stick up for you against all of them. But as it is now, they’re all scared to death of you. I got to think of my own family too.”

“What if they change their minds? Let me try to convince them.” I was making it harder for him than he expected. I knew I should stop, but I couldn’t control myself. “I’ll make them understand,” I pleaded.

“All right,” he sighed finally. “Go ahead, try. But you’re only going to hurt yourself.”

As I came out of his office, Frank Reilly and Joe Carp walked by me, and I knew what he had said was true. Having me around to look at was too much for them. I made them all uncomfortable.

Frank had just picked up a tray of rolls and both he and Joe turned when I called. “Look, Charlie, I’m busy. Maybe later—”

“No,” I insisted. “Now—right now. Both of you have been avoiding me. Why?”

Frank, the fast talker, the ladies’ man, the arranger, studied me for a moment and then set the tray down on the table. “Why? I’ll tell you why. Because all of a sudden you’re a big shot, a know-it-all, a brain! Now you’re a regular whiz kid, an egghead. Always with a book—always with all the answers. Well, I’ll tell you something. You think you’re better than the rest of us here? Okay, go someplace else.”

“But what did I do to you?”

“What did he do? Hear that, Joe? I’ll tell you what you did, Mister Gordon. You come pushing in here with your ideas and suggestions and make the rest of us all look like a bunch of dopes. But I’ll tell you something. To me you’re still a moron. Maybe I don’t understand some of them big words or the names of the books, but I’m as good as you are—better even.”

“Yeah.” Joe nodded, turning to emphasize the point to Gimpy who had just come up behind him.

“I’m not asking you to be my friends,” I said, “or have anything to do with me. Just let me keep my job. Mr. Donner says it’s up to you.”

Gimpy glared at me and then shook his head in disgust. “You got a nerve,” he shouted. “You can go to hell!” Then he turned and limped off heavily.

And so it went. Most of them felt the way Joe and Frank and Gimpy did. It had been all right as long they could laugh at me and appear clever at my expense, but now they were feeling inferior to the moron. I began to see that by my astonishing growth I had made them shrink and emphasized their inadequacies. I had betrayed them, and they hated me for it.

Fanny Birden was the only one who didn’t think I should be forced to leave, and despite their pressure and threats, she had been the only one not to sign the petition.

“Which don’t mean to say,” she remarked, “that I don’t think there’s something mighty strange about you, Charlie. The way you’ve changed! I don’t know. You used to be a good, dependable man—ordinary, not too bright maybe, but honest—and who knows what you done to yourself to get so smart all of a sudden. Like everybody’s been saying—it ain’t right.”

“But what’s wrong with a person wanting to be more intelligent, to acquire knowledge, and understand himself and the world?”

“If you’d read your Bible, Charlie, you’d know that it’s not meant for man to know more than was given to him to know by the Lord in the first place. The fruit of that tree was forbidden to man. Charlie, if you done anything you wasn’t supposed to—you know, like with the devil or something—maybe it ain’t too late to get out of it. Maybe you could go back to being the good simple man you was before.”

“There’s no going back, Fanny. I haven’t done anything wrong. I’m like a man born blind who has been given a chance to see light. That can’t be sinful. Soon there’ll be millions like me all over the world. Science can do it, Fanny.”

She stared down at the bride and groom on the wedding cake she was decorating and I could see her lips barely move as she whispered: “It was evil when Adam and Eve ate from the tree of knowledge. It was evil when they saw they was naked, and learned about lust and shame. And they was driven out of Paradise and the gates was closed to them. If not for that none of us would have to grow old and be sick and die.”

There was nothing more to say, to her or to the rest of them. None of them would look into my eyes. I can still feel the hostility. Before, they had laughed at me, despising me for my ignorance and dullness; now, they hated me for my knowledge and understanding. Why? What in God’s name did they want of me?

This intelligence has driven a wedge between me and all the people I knew and loved, driven me out of the bakery. Now, I’m more alone than ever before. I wonder what would happen if they put Algernon back in the big cage with some of the other mice. Would they turn against him?

May 25—So this is how a person can come to despise himself—knowing he’s doing the wrong thing and not being able to stop. Against my will I found myself drawn to Alice’s apartment. She was surprised but she let me in.

“You’re soaked. The water is streaming down your face.”

“It’s raining. Good for the flowers.”

“Come on in. Let me get you a towel. You’ll catch pneumonia.”

“You’re the only one I can talk to,” I said. “Let me stay.”

“I’ve got a pot of fresh coffee on the stove. Go ahead and dry yourself and then we can talk.”

I looked around while she went to get the coffee. It was the first time I had ever been inside her apartment. I felt a sense of pleasure, but there was something disturbing about the room.

Everything was neat. The porcelain figurines were in a straight line on the window-ledge, all facing the same way. And the throw-pillows on the sofa hadn’t been thrown at all, but were regularly spaced on the clear plastic covers that protected the upholstery. Two of the end tables had magazines, neatly stacked so that the titles were clearly visible. On one table: The Reporter, The Saturday Review, The New Yorker; on the other: Mademoiselle, House Beautiful, and Reader’s Digest.

On the far wall, across from the sofa, hung an ornately framed reproduction of Picasso’s “Mother and Child,” and directly opposite, above the sofa, was a painting of a dashing Renaissance courtier, masked, sword in hand, protecting a frightened, pink-cheeked maiden. Taken all together, it was wrong. As if Alice couldn’t make up her mind who she was and which world she wanted to live in.

“You haven’t been to the lab for a few days,” she called from the kitchen. “Professor Nemur is worried about you.”

“I couldn’t face them,” I said. “I know there’s no reason for me to be ashamed, but it’s an empty feeling not going in to work every day—not seeing the shop, the ovens, the people. It’s too much. Last night and the night before, I had nightmares of drowning.”

She set the tray in the center of the coffee table—the napkins folded into triangles, and the cookies laid out in a circular display pattern. “You mustn’t take it so hard, Charlie. It has nothing to do with you.”

“It doesn’t help to tell myself that. Those people—for all these years—were my family. It was like being thrown out of my own home.”

“That’s just it,” she said. “This has become a symbolic repetition of experiences you had as a child. Being rejected by your parents … being sent away…”

“Oh, Christ! Never mind giving it a nice neat label. What matters is that before I got involved in this experiment I had friends, people who cared for me. Now I’m afraid—”

“You’ve still got friends.”

“It’s not the same.”

“Fear is a normal reaction.”

“It’s more than that. I’ve been afraid before. Afraid of being strapped for not giving in to Norma, afraid of passing Howells Street where the gang used to tease me and push me around. And I was afraid of the schoolteacher, Mrs. Libby, who tied my hands so I wouldn’t fidget with things on my desk. But those things were real—something I was justified in being afraid of. This terror at being kicked out of the bakery is vague, a fear I don’t understand.”

“Get hold of yourself.”

“You don’t feel the panic.”

“But, Charlie, it’s to be expected. You’re a new swimmer forced off a diving raft and terrified of losing the solid wood under your feet. Mr. Donner was good to you, and you were sheltered all these years. Being driven out of the bakery this way is an even greater shock than you expected.”

“Knowing it intellectually doesn’t help. I can’t sit alone in my room any more. I wander into the streets at all hours of the day or night, not knowing what I’m looking for … walking until I’m lost … finding myself outside the bakery. Last night I walked all the way from Washington Square to Central Park, and I slept in the park. What the hell am I searching for?”

The more I talked, the more upset she became. “What can I do to help you, Charlie?”

“I don’t know. I’m like an animal who’s been locked out of his nice, safe cage.”

She sat beside me on the couch. “They’re pushing you too fast. You’re confused. You want to be an adult, but there’s still a little boy inside you. Alone and frightened.” She put my head on her shoulder, trying to comfort me, and as she stroked my hair I knew that she needed me the way I needed her.

“Charlie,” she whispered after a while, “whatever you want … don’t be afraid of me…. “

I wanted to tell her I was waiting for the panic.

Once—during a bakery delivery—Charlie had nearly fainted when a middle-aged woman, just out of the bath, amused herself by opening her bathrobe and exposing herself. Had he ever seen a woman without clothes on? Did he know how to make love? His terror—his whining—must have frightened her because she clutched her robe together and gave him a quarter to forget what had happened. She was only testing him, she warned, to see if he was a good boy.

He tried to be good, he told her, and not look at women, because his mother used to beat him whenever that happened in his pants….

Now he had the clear picture of Charlie’s mother, screaming at him, holding a leather belt in her hand, and his father trying to hold her back. “Enough, Rose! You’ll kill him! Leave him alone!” His mother straining forward to lash at him, just out of reach now so that the belt swishes past his shoulder as he writhes and twists away from it on the floor.

“Look at him!” Rose screams. “He can’t learn to read and write, but he knows enough to look at a girl that way. I’ll beat that filth out of his mind.”

“He can’t help it if he gets an erection. It’s normal. He didn’t do anything.”

“He’s got no business to think that way about girls. A friend of his sister’s comes to the house and he starts thinking like that! I’ll teach him so he never forgets. Do you hear? If you ever touch a girl, I’ll put you away in a cage, like an animal, for the rest of your life. Do you hear me?…”

I still hear her. But perhaps I had been released. Maybe the fear and nausea was no longer a sea to drown in, but only a pool of water reflecting the past alongside the now. Was I free?

If I could reach Alice in time—without thinking about it, before it overwhelmed me—maybe the panic wouldn’t happen. If only I could make my mind a blank. I managed to choke out: “You … you do it! Hold me!” And before I knew what she was doing, she was kissing me, holding me closer than anyone had ever held me before. But at the moment I should have come closest of all, it started: the buzzing, the chill, and the nausea. I turned away from her.

She tried to soothe me, to tell me it didn’t matter, that there was no reason to blame myself. But ashamed, and no longer able to control my anguish, I began to sob. There in her arms I cried myself to sleep, and I dreamed of the courtier and the pink-cheeked maiden. But in my dream it was the maiden who held the sword.