“I killed more than ten thousand of them!” Donut shouted. “I didn’t even go up a level! This is an outrage!”

I just breathed for a second as we continued to rush down the road. Okay, okay, this isn’t over yet.

Ahead, I got a better view of the massive colorful skull thing at the bottom of the long hill. At first, I thought it was a whale skull, but I realized that it wasn’t. It was the head of a giant beetle thing. Like the skull or husk of a Hercules beetle, though this thing appeared to be the height of a three-story building just blocking the road.

An info box popped up.

This is the skull of Tem, who up until a few days ago resided within the Nothing. We borrowed different parts of his corpse for different races because he was really badass-looking. It’s too bad your friend Odette wasted him the moment he appeared. But, alas, waste not, want not. Still, you might just want to take note of the size of this thing. He has friends who are still alive.

An explosion echoed behind us. I didn’t know what that was.

Carl: Update?

Jasha: We’re almost through the chop! The shield is keeping the fuckers back. You got the Dominators on your ass, and we’re right behind!

Chiyome: We are in trouble. We can’t see. They are everywhere. Your missiles detonated too early over the Fine Pigs, and the goo went all over the place, including over Onikuma. I do not know where the Jugglers are, but they are back with us. I think maybe behind us. The road is too steep for Oni. He keeps stumbling.

Carl: Move to the right side. We’ll toss the tunnels if a third wave comes!

We continued to rocket down the road for a good minute without anything happening other than Gluteus bouncing up and down in his chair, shouting for more music.

“No music!” I yelled. “I need to be able to hear!”

“What’s the point of speeding if we can’t do it to heavy metal, you fucking poseur?” The man was absolutely vibrating, shaking in the chair.

“Gluteus, why are you talking like a mantaur?” Donut demanded.

“Because I am made of speed and the sun and I am one with universe, baby!” He started howling again. White foam had started to form on his fuzzy lips.

“Just keep your eyes on the goddamned road!” I growled.

I returned to the back of the truck and peered outside. The ghoul in the cage on the passenger’s side remained, glaring out at the GTO, which had pulled up directly behind us, tailgating. The Free Love van also trailed us, maybe ten seconds back. And beyond that, nothing but smoke from the now-distant but still-raging wall of fire.

Wave three is commencing.

“Fucking hell!” Gluteus shouted while laughing maniacally. He started to slap the side of his own face, suddenly reminding me of the caprid leader. He was getting worse by the second. More foam drooled out of his mouth, and it splattered everywhere as he yelled. “They’re coming up through the road! Get ready for some crunchy, lumpy speed bumps!”

Well, fuck us all, I guess. The final wave is commencing, too.

And that’s when the skulls started raining from the sky.

I watched as multiples of the sugar hermits started crashing into and around the shield of the GTO as divots started to form on the asphalt.

We lurched again, gaining air before crashing down as the colorful skulls started exploding all around us. They weren’t just falling from the sky. It was like they were being shot downward out of a cannon. None seemed to actually survive the fall, instead exploding like hail all around us.

“We’re getting close!” Donut shouted. “Just a few minutes, and we’ll be there!”

I heard a hissing scream from the passenger’s side of the truck, quickly followed by a notification.

Warning: One of your hired mercenaries has died! Well, died again, as he was a ghoul.

“The shield is down!” Donut yelled. She let out a yelp as we bumped. Behind, I had a clear view of Rapture as she fired her flamethrower directly into the air above their car as skulls pelted and exploded against their shield. Dark ichor sprayed with each explosion.

The truck lurched again, and we swerved dangerously.

“Slow down,” I shouted. “We’re going too fast for a bumpy road! Donut, macaroni!”

Our windshield shattered. Wind filled the truck, almost blowing me back. The purple guts of sugar hermits misted into the cabin as little pieces of skull peppered us like shrapnel.

“Donut,” I croaked.

Donut, who’d just received the spell from her Banquet Fit for a Princess book, cast Temporary Macaroni.

Ahead, an absolutely massive chunk of pasta appeared. The oblong tube had to be fifteen feet tall and twenty feet wide. I wasn’t sure how long it was, but it appeared in front of us like the opening of a highway tunnel. The spell cast at level 14 but was enhanced to 15. At that level, Donut could choose the size, shape, and direction of the giant tube of pasta. She chose uncooked, dried cannelloni. The spell only cost ten mana to cast, and she could chain it, which is what she did now, creating a tunnel of giant tubes.

The pasta was at least a foot thick, making it pretty strong. Strong enough to keep from breaking when the skulls rained on it, and strong enough to keep the ones coming up from the ground to break through. I hoped.

“I’m sliding in!” Gluteus foamed. We bumped heavily into the tube. Ahead, another tunnel appeared, then another. Donut was rigid as she focused straight ahead, chaining the spell. Still, there was space between each giant tube, and in those breaks, the sugar hermits surged.

A skull was suddenly in the cab, having come in through the missing windshield, and I punched it with my gauntlet. It exploded, but when I pulled my fist back, the purple thing living inside the skull was still attached to the gauntlet. It started to slither, octopus-like, around the metal fist, moving toward my arm. I cast Bang Bro, which electrified the weapon, and the creature dropped off, dead and sizzling.

Jasha: I see the tunnel! Going in now! Dominators are following you, and we’ll be right behind!

Carl: Chiyome, make sure you veer to the far-right side of the track, or you might miss it!

Warning: You may not message deceased NPCs.

The Wild Hunt have been eliminated due to the death of all team members. Six teams remain in the current heat.

“Oh, fuck!” I cried. More of the skulls attacked, and I smashed them all. Above, I could hear the ghoul struggling. I smashed another skull.

The Scavenger’s Daughter has been fed. Unleash her wrath.

Shit. I’d need to activate it before we finished, or I’d be stuck with it for however long it took until the next race.

The Jugglers have been eliminated due to the death of all team members. Five teams remain in the current heat.

“No, no, no,” I said, turning to look behind me, as if I could actually see them. The Lady Dominators remained right on our ass. Goddamnit.

There was another thump from the roof. I reached up to grab the ghoul’s legs to drag him back inside, but when I pulled, his head didn’t come with him. A skull thing chittered happily from the roof as it jumped off, the ghoul’s head in tow.

Warning: Another one of your hired mercenaries has died! I hope you offer workman’s comp.

“Almost there!” Donut shouted. “Recasting Shield— Ahhh!”

The large skull of some orc-like creature crashed through the front and wrapped itself around the front of Donut’s face like one of those facehuggers from the Alien movies. Before anyone could react, multiple arms appeared from the car seat and violently ripped the thing off of her. The skull and creature within were torn to shreds.

“Thank you, Dorota,” Donut sputtered.

Ahead, the end of the tunnel loomed. All I could see was the blue of the beetle-skull thing. Already, it teemed with sugar hermits who didn’t appear to know what to do now that they’d finally reached their target. They swarmed over it like fleas on a dog.

My foot buff had run out, so my feet weren’t protected. Still . . .

“Donut, forget the magic missile! Tighten the shield around yourself and Gluteus. Everyone, hold on!”

The truck lurched as it veered, and the now-empty passenger’s-side cage clipped the edge of the pasta wall. The whole truck wobbled ominously as we exited the last pasta tube.

“Hold it steady!” I shouted, turning to Gluteus, only to see him unconscious and slumped against the wheel, a line of foam dripping from his mouth. Ahead, the skull, followed by the finish line, loomed.

“Fuck!”

I didn’t think. I reached over and grabbed the steering wheel. There was a chime. “Donut, hit the accelerator and don’t let go!”

Donut again struggled to get out of the car seat, but it held her tight. She didn’t hesitate. She used her claws and ripped free, shredding the belt. She jumped down between the legs of the unconscious Gluteus. She slammed her paws on the accelerator. This was followed by a second chime.

The GTO’s engine roared as they emerged from the tunnel behind us. They surged forward, moving to our right, hugging the edge of the road as they started to pass.

With one hand still on the steering wheel, I pulled myself out the windshield and lay across the hood of the truck on my back, feet hanging off the front just in front of the headlamps. I reached over my shoulders and awkwardly held on to the steering wheel with my second hand.

“What are you doing?” Donut yelled.

I activated Daughter’s Kiss. I tensed, intent on ramming the kaiju skull with my giant feet.

“Fuck youuuu!” came a new shout, just as we were about to make contact. The shout was so loud, I could hear it over the roar of the engines.

It was Dwight the unicorn, zooming up from our left, giant cannon hanging out the side of their speeding slime-covered vine.

I ripped the steering wheel to the left just as they fired. The food truck flipped as the cannon blast ripped through the side of the truck, causing the tail end to whip to the right as we spun like a badly tossed football, still-deployed cages whisking about. My feet came in contact with the kaiju skull, which exploded as we rapidly spun, continuing to rise in the air as our back end clipped against the GTO, which had also been hit by the cannon blast. And then the front of the rapidly deteriorating food truck also hit the vine, which likewise flew up into the air.

All three of our spinning airborne vehicles careened over the finish line at the same time. I let go of the steering wheel as the truck spun over my head. All three of the Dominators were thrown from their vehicle as they passed over the finish line.

I hit the ground hard and slid as flaming, crunching metal rained all around me. I screamed as my kangaroo skin flayed off. My health scroll contingency activated as I continued to roll.

I slammed into something hard, coming to an abrupt stop. I’d hit the groaning form of one of the womantaurs. Corky, still unconscious, also came to a rest next to me.

There was an enormous crunch of fiberglass and metal and glass as the main body of the food truck landed on its back and spun off to my left.

Tater tots and French fries and chicken patties were everywhere. I just stared, dumbfounded, as a frozen chicken patty spun like a coin on the road before stopping still miraculously balanced on its side like in a magic trick.

The GTO was a flaming, crumpled mess. The vine had tumbled to a stop near me, and it was on fire. My kangaroo feet were literally on fire. Despite the healing scroll, both of my arms were broken. Both my legs were broken. Things inside of me were crushed. I took a Fine Healing potion, waited a second, and then took another.

Team Free Love’s van screeched to a stop, and Jasha and Radoslav jumped out, rushing to the food truck.

“Donut,” I croaked, pulling myself up. My pelvis was broken, and I tried to stand before it had fully healed. I pulled myself up a second time, tried to walk, and fell over because of the damn kangaroo feet.

But then Donut was there, unhurt, jumping around me as she patted at my smoldering feet. “Carl, Carl, are you okay? Are you okay? You crashed the truck! Your feet are on fire!”

Jasha pulled the still unconscious Gluteus from the wreckage. Corky lay in a heap next to me. There was a tear in his suit, and some guts oozed out, but he was still alive. Rapture was standing over Genesis, who was folded over herself in an unnatural pose. She administered a healing potion to her partner.

If this had been a crash outside the dungeon, we’d all have been dead right now. We’d have been splattered all over the place.

“That’s what you get! That’s what you get!” Dwight shouted.

“Yeah, fuck you, swine!” Lucienne added from his back.

They both appeared mostly unhurt, and they remained in their vine. Lucienne’s little helmet was cracked, and the vine itself smoldered like there was fire within it.

Dwight’s unicorn horn sparkled. “Yeah, cry. I want to see you cry. You motherfuckers are all dead next race. You hear me? Fucking dead. We’re gonna shoot you motherfuckers first.”

“Fucking dead,” Lucienne added. “And you owe me a new helmet!”

The vine, trailing smoke, started to limp toward a garage.

Jasha padded up. “What an ending. We lost two teams so far, but I’m not sure if . . .”

Team One Fine Pig’s APV rumbled over the finish line. There was no sign of the Draconian mercenary who’d been on the roof.

“. . . Yeah, I guess that’s it,” Jasha finished. “Bad news about the razor foxes. I liked her even though she was trying to get us to kill you next race. Looks like we’ll have a new competitor joining the neighborhood.”

I groaned again and tried to stand. Our truck was literally spread all over the road. Though the GTO was in worse shape.

“Carl, I don’t even know what place we came in,” Donut said. “We all crossed the finish line at the same time!”

I turned to watch the unicorn team enter the garage with a big “2” painted on the door. A moment later, the doors to both the “1” and “3” garages opened. Groups of gremlins dragging carts and wheelbarrows rushed out of both, headed in our direction.

I grinned.

A set of figures stood in the open garage of house number one. It was Jamal, Dong, and Hedy. Jamal started hopping up and down at the sight of us, waving his mechanical front legs excitedly.

Heat Three. Results.

First Place: The Royal Court of Princess Donut.

Second Place: Team Sparkles.

Third Place: Lady Dominators and the Gimp.

Fourth Place: Team Free Love.

Fifth Place: One Fine Pig.

Sixth Place: <Empty> A replacement team will be assigned soon.

Eliminated:

The Wild Hunt.

The Jugglers.