I turned to Donut. “What accessories did you get?”

She did a little excited hop. “Look at this!”

Her tiara disappeared, and an Egyptian-style beaded headdress appeared atop her head. It was something one would have seen on Cleopatra. Red, yellow, and orange beads cascaded down either side of her face. The colors matched her fur.

“Isn’t it just divine? I’ll drain it of its magic for my tiara, of course, but it’s just beautiful as is. It calls it a veil even though it doesn’t cover my face.” She pulled out a little mirror and started shaking her head back and forth. The beads clacked as she moved. “Just exquisite.”

Enchanted hat item. The Assassin’s Veil.

This is a unique item.

Warning: This item may only be worn by a female.

Warning: This item may only be worn by a feline-class species.

Worn by those in the court of the goddess Sekhmet, this beaded headdress warns off strangers who might think to do harm to the bearer.

Wearing this item imbues the following benefits:

Plus 10% to dexterity.

The Precognition Benefit. Warns wearer if someone nearby is preparing an offensive or binding spell or readying a skill.

Warning: Enemies of Sekhmet will be automatically hostile to you if you wear this in their presence.

“It’s a great item,” Mordecai said. “But if you transfer that over to your tiara, those conditions will also transfer over. The female and cat things aren’t an issue, but the enemy of Sekhmet might be a problem because the goddess Sekhmet is most definitely going to be under Odette’s thumb by now, which means all of Odette’s enemies will be hostile toward you. And knowing Odette, that’s going to mean pretty much everybody. Let me do some research first before you drain it.”

“What were the other hats?” I asked. “The ones for Mongo and Rend? Can we drain those, too?”

“We will not be stealing Mongo’s new hat’s powers,” Donut said.

“We can’t anyway,” Mordecai said. “Both are labeled as pet accessories.”

Two more items appeared on the table. One was a fabric hat with shiny blue and gold stripes on it. It had two wide bands on either side that were designed to hang down, almost like large, floppy ears. It was the same sort of hat a pharaoh would have worn, though it looked more like something from a cheap costume shop. It was something called a nemes. That was clearly meant for Mongo. The other was more a headband than a hat. It was just a red piece of fabric, Rambo-style. But when you looked more closely, the rich red fabric was covered with an intricate pattern that I couldn’t quite make out. I examined the items. They both did almost the same thing with a few differences.

Enchanted hat. The Nemes of Pestilence.

This item may only be equipped by a pet.

Equipping this item to an eligible pet will imbue the following properties:

Eternal Protector of Rage. Pet will become temporarily invulnerable and will gain 2× strength if it is within three meters of its owner and their health is below 10%. Invulnerability will last 60 seconds and can only trigger once per day.

Bringer of Death. Bites from this pet have a 75% chance to inflict the Cruel Sepsis debuff.

The thing would look absolutely ridiculous on Mongo’s head, but that Eternal Protector benefit was worth it. I examined the second item.

Enchanted headband. The Wrap of Sekhmet’s Compassion.

This item may only be equipped by a pet.

Eternal Protector of Health. Pet will become temporarily invulnerable and will gain the Heal Party Member skill if it is within three meters of its owner and its owner’s health is below 10%. Invulnerability will last 60 seconds and can only trigger once per day.

Bringer of Resurrection. Fatal bites from this pet have a 75% chance to cast a level 10 Raise Bootlicker on the corpse.

“Holy hell,” I said, “these are fantastic.”

“How come I didn’t get no hat?” Bigs asked.

“You’re not a pet,” I said. “You’re technically a mercenary.”

“Actually,” Mordecai said, “I suspect if we make it to the eleventh floor, Donut’s Former Child Actor class might come with mercenary accessories, too.”

Donut kept going through her achievements. She received two celestial boxes from her War Crime spell. One was a celestial slap-chop box and the other was a celestial godslayer box. She also had a separate Lorena Bobbitt box, but that was just a legendary one.

“Most of my achievements were quite rude,” she said. “I received several achievements for leveling up, including one for getting to a hundred, but it said my accomplishment was reward enough! I have forty boxes, but almost all are just Bronze Adventurer Boxes. I did get one more legendary box, though, for winning Faction Wars. That achievement was rude, too. It’s called a default winner box.”

“Open them now, and then I’ll do mine,” I said. “I need to work out how we’re going to deal with engineering you a driving system, but we also need to conserve our blood bar time. I might drag the engineering table into the garage once we’re sure we can keep the garage secure. Imani and Elle are already out there in the town.”

I was putting off opening my own boxes and achievements. I didn’t know if I’d get a celestial or not, but I did know that fan box was waiting for me, and I knew part of what was in it already.

Donut already had her boxes running. It was a line of them reaching all the way to the back of the room. She was absolutely quivering with excitement. She still had the Mongo-hat thing out and on the table, and I knew she just wanted to get back out into the garage to put it on him.

The default winner box took on the shape of the funnel of Larracos spinning. The legendary Bobbitt box came in the form of a giant 7-11 hot dog bag for some reason. The slap-chop box was a quivering golden blanket that sparkled as it fluttered through the room like a magic carpet. The final one, the celestial godslayer box, was just a cloud of black smoke.

“Did you see what Justice did?” Rosetta asked.

“I did, but I don’t understand it.”

“Nobody knows, I don’t think,” Rosetta said. “This floor it might not matter so much, but maybe.” She lowered her head. “It’s a shame. Justice and Tipid were such good friends, but Tipid doesn’t even remember him. Maybe it’s for the better.”

Donut continued to go through her boxes. She was mostly receiving piles of crappy clothes and different types of healing scrolls. But then she started receiving something new. A green scroll that clanked heavily to the table, as if it were made of metal.

“Emergency Gremlin?” she asked, scoffing after the new scroll appeared. The next several boxes contained only that, and suddenly she had like twenty of them. “Why do I need so many emergency gremlins?”

“It’s a summoning scroll, like with Bautista’s toys,” Mordecai said. “They can fix your vehicle if it breaks down mid-race. This kind can also fix biological mounts.”

Donut hissed again as more of the scrolls appeared.

Finally, we got to the good stuff.

Her default winner box contained a spell book that quickly disappeared.

I wasn’t quite sure what the exact achievement was for the Lorena Bobbitt box, but it clearly involved something with Meatus. Though she got a separate box one for killing him as well. The 7-11 wrapper dripped imaginary blood as the magical bag peeled back to reveal a quiver with handful of glittering crossbow bolts

“They’re so sparkly!” Donut said.

There were about ten of them. I snatched one up before they disappeared.

The celestial slap-chop box started dancing around the room as I examined the bolt.

Enchanted crossbow bolt. The Danforth.

This bolt does no physical damage. However, anyone hit with it will be anchored in place for (two seconds × your Crossbow skill level). More specifically, the area of their body that is hit with the bolt will be anchored in place. If they happen to be moving at the time, the physics involved might get a little . . . messy.

“Hell yeah,” I said. “Donut, what’s your Crossbow skill?”

“Carl, you’re ruining it! We talk about the gear after the boxes open!”

The yellow blanket thing formed into an origami swan and then opened, revealing a plain silver crupper similar in appearance to the one she was already wearing, though this was made of fine chain mail as opposed to larger scales.

“Holy fucking shit!” Mordecai exclaimed before it disappeared.

“What was it?” I asked. The last celestial box already started to form.

“I didn’t see the abilities yet, but it’s a matching item to her champion cloak. It’s called the Crupper of the Benevolent Champion.”

“Stop talking!” Donut called as the last item approached. This was the smoky godslayer box.

The smoke billowed, filling the room. It formed into the shape of Meatus the god just as a smoky paw slammed down upon it. The smoke turned red before dissipating.

“Oh gods,” Rosetta muttered, “I can still taste it.”

The spell didn’t leave anything behind. There was no physical reward.

“Carl,” Donut said, staring down at her forward right paw. Her voice was filled with fear. This was the same paw she’d used for the War Crime spell. “Something’s happening.” Her paw glowed.

“I know what this is,” Mordecai said, leaning forward. Wisps of smoke occasionally rose from his hood. “It’ll be okay, little one. It’ll be a good thing.”

“Ow, ow,” she said. “It hurts.”

She stretched her paw out, and she flexed so her claws appeared.

The kitchen table ripped in half.