“One Fine Pig?” Donut asked, incredulous. “What kind of name is that? Also, we didn’t get to name our own team! The Royal Court is a fine name for our party, but as a racing team⁠—”

“Gah!” I called as the entire truck flashed and teleported. Mongo screeched in surprise, and Donut let out a yowl.

We teleported to a dark driveway with an opening garage door.

The bugbears’ minivan had disappeared, but the trailer and the chains remained. The chains clattered loudly on the ground.

I pulled us into the cavernous garage, pulling forward far enough to get the trailer inside.

“Did you hear that?” Donut asked as I put the truck into park. “The AI voice is getting all weird and glitchy.”

“Yeah,” I said.

Hedy the mechanic started jogging toward us.

Behind us, Mongo growled at Hedy.

“No, Mongo. She’s a friend.”

The moment Donut said that, Mongo burst out the back of the truck, causing the doors to fly open. He jumped off the trailer and started bouncing all around the small mechanic, who fell on her ass.

The GPS unit beeped, and the female voice spoke.

Limited details on the next race are now available.

Distance: 10 kilometers.

Track: Asphalt-paved road. Rolling hills.

There are two paths for this race. You will be assigned one of two paths at random.

Tasks required to complete: Each path is of equal length. Each path has a gatekeeper monster along that path that must be killed to resume.

Special Rules: Your vehicle may only travel your assigned path.

Environment: Torrential downpour of rain and giant hail.

Hazards: Well, we have the hail and the gatekeeper monster, whatever that might be. But I’d suggest that our biggest hazard is the fact that this bucket has to be driven by a fucking cat this time.

Time Limit: 3 hours.

“Hey!” Donut cried. “Carl, why is the GPS thing a jerk?” She paused. “But she is right. How the heck am I supposed to drive this thing?”

I laughed.

“We have ten hours to figure it out. It sounds like we can use mercenaries. And if not, maybe there’s an upgrade that’ll allow you to drive. Or we can rig something up ourselves.”

I read the rules for heat two again. “The time limit is halved, but the distance is way shorter.”

Mongo was on his back like a dog, waving his tail back and forth, while Hedy scratched him under his wings. I pulled Rend out, and the meatball made a “wow” sound as he looked about the large garage. Mongo jumped to his feet and Rend bounded toward him.

Hedy stood and tapped the trailer. “Helping the other drivers, I see,” she said. “Almost pulled the whole back bumper off.” She did not sound like she approved.

“If we didn’t, then there would’ve been two teams that didn’t finish,” I said. “I’m trying to avoid that if possible.”

She grunted and examined the truck.

“How’d she drive?”

“Kinda slow, but faster than I was expecting. We’ll need to remove all the kitchen gear in the back. And for god’s sake, we gotta take that gun off the roof. It blocks my view.”

She nodded. “We gots some guidelines about what we can and can’t change from the original design, but the rules is clear as a troll’s ball sack. Won’t know till we try. Basically, at the end of the race, the truck gets regenerated back to its form at the beginning of the race. First, we gotta pick your upgrade.” She produced a tablet device that looked bizarrely incongruous in her hands. “Lots to choose from. Next time make sure you comes in first place so we get better choices.”

“Do you know the rules about crew members and if they can drive?” I asked. “Otherwise, the first thing we pick needs to be something that’ll allow Donut to drive.”

“Aye,” she said. “You can add up to three mercenaries each heat. There’s a bar out there in Hungry Eyes where you can hire ’em. I reckon all the best ones already been snatched since you two took your sweet fine time getting here.”

“What about mercenaries we’ve already hired?”

She nodded. “You can use ’em. Same rules, though.”

Donut: WE WILL NOT BE BRINGING SAMANTHA WITH US FOR ANY RACE. SHE HAS THE ATTENTION SPAN OF A CORNISH REX. SHE WILL GET US KILLED.

Carl: Yeah, no arguments there.

Hedy continued. “I’d still design a backup driving system for Princess Donut here. Even if you gots a full crew, you’ll always want one of you available to drive in case something happens. Best if it’s something removable that you bring with you. I’m sure there might be something in the upgrades list, but it’d be a waste if we can jig up something on our own.”

I nodded. I was already thinking of things I could build on the engineering table. Katia could . . .

I paused, and a wave of sadness washed over me. She’s okay. She’s out of the dungeon. She’s probably more safe than we are. I took a breath.

“Okay,” I said. “So what do you recommend?”

She pulled up the tablet and pressed it. A screen popped up. “First three races we got paved roads guaranteed, but after that, we could get anything. Mechanical is always better than biological, and I wasn’t lying about that when you picked me. But the big advantage the beasties got is maneuverability. Every single heat is going to add some obstacle, and by heat four, your regular tires ain’t gonna be able to handle it. So my recommendation is the first thing we get is an upgrade for mobility. We gots a few choices.”

She clicked her pad, and a list of choices appeared on the screen.

“My goodness,” Donut said, peering at the images. The first showed the truck with spider legs and the caption Retractable Legs. The next had no wheels at all, but the truck hovered right off the ground like something out of Star Wars. That was called Hover Upgrade. A third choice zoomed in on the tires, showing dozens of tiny tendrils sticking out of the rubber. All-Terrain-Tire Upgrade, including Vertical Climb.

“And we can only get one of these?” I asked. “What if I build something like this in the engineering table?”

Hedy snorted. “No magic upgrades allowed outside the official upgrades. Good luck building something like that between heats. A driver system for the Princess is one thing, but something like those tires or the hover? Not gonna happen. Unless you’re smarter than you look.”

“What about speed upgrades? Or armor? Are those available?”

“We gots hundreds of upgrades. But these are my recommendations. Spider legs are my best pick, but the others is good, too. Hover don’t do vertical climb, but it makes you almost twice as fast and it comes with an engine upgrade. No more of that ancient gas engine. The other two come with vertical climb, which you might need pretty soon. Spider legs can be turned on only when you need it, and they can climb on walls, but you’ll only use it when you need to go over an obstacle. The legs are fast, but not as fast, and they’re not made to be turned on the whole time. The tire upgrade is good because it’ll keep you from slipping and sliding and it’ll be always active, but it comes with a 25% reduction in speed. And your tires are at a fixed distance. You get hung up on something, the tires ain’t gonna help. Yeah, they’ll climb a wall, but your truck is shaped like a box. You gotta get the tires to touch the wall in the first place. If we was paying actual money for these upgrades, the hover would be the most expensive by far. But I still think the spider legs is best.”

“Hmm,” I said, thinking. “Can I look at some of the other choices?”

“Knock yourself batty,” she said, handing me the tablet. “Remember, if you don’t survive, I don’t survive, so I ain’t gonna steer you wrong. Just don’t pick anything weird without talking to me first, and I’ll tell you why my choice is better.”

I swiped through, looking at the selections. She wasn’t wrong. There had to be over a thousand options. There was a tab for Golden upgrades, which I couldn’t see at all. I knew the first-place team, One Fine Pig, had the option to either pick one of those or three regular upgrades. We needed to figure out what all the other teams were.

My eyes focused on some of the weapons we could add. There was a rolling barrel of spikes, like the goblin murder dozer from the very first floor. A flamethrower. An EMP-like pulse that disabled other drivers and mounts. A device that would plant a literal brick wall on the road behind you.

I felt a chill. We could probably avoid killing other teams if we really worked on it, but keeping them from killing each other? It was going to be impossible. This was going to be worse than the card battles on the eighth floor. We’d weeded out most of the assholes by now, but would that matter? What would happen if we ended up in a race versus Imani and Elle? I didn’t even want to think about it, but we had to prepare ourselves for it. Zhang said Li Na had killed most of the other teams already. Crawler-versus-crawler races were inevitable.

It was going to get ugly.

I handed the tablet back to her. “Pick the spider legs.”

The gremlin grinned up at me, revealing a sharp gap-toothed smile.

“Sexy and smart,” she said. She slapped my butt with the tablet.

Mordecai: Guys, put Rend away before you enter the safe room. Or leave him in your garage. I’ll explain why when you get inside.

“Rend,” I called. I didn’t know where he or Mongo had gone. The last I’d seen them, they were running in circles around Hedy.

They didn’t take long to find. The truck was shaking. Mongo’s tail appeared out the back. This was followed by a loud giggling.

“Hey! Get out of there!” I called.

Rend appeared, popping his head out of the back of the truck. I didn’t even know how he had fit in there, especially with Mongo. The truck was big, but the kitchen took up a lot of space.

“Stay out of the truck!”

Rend giggled again, and this time several objects fell out of his mouth, clattering on the trailer. Mongo screeched with joy. The truck shook more as he turned himself around, and his tail pressed against the horn.

Make way for the big shot! Bawk!

I examined the items that had dropped out of Rend’s mouth. French fries. Frozen French fries. There was a stocked freezer in there somewhere, and they’d found it.

“Carl, your creature is a terrible influence! Mongo, get down this instant!”

Both Mongo and Rend tumbled out of the back of the truck. Mongo had a plastic bag in his mouth. He shook it violently, tossing frozen chicken patties like Frisbees across the garage. He dropped the plastic bag and shrieked in outrage.

“Well,” I said to Hedy, “meet your two bodyguards.”