You are in the presence of another Deity. The Scavenger’s Daughter has opened her eyes. She fills with power.

Random Effect! As Eris is the goddess of chaos, this effect will change each time you are in her presence.

Temporary effect from Eris:

You and all nearby crawlers will swap inventory with the crawler closest to you.

There was a blip, and we unfroze. I didn’t see Eris, and I didn’t know where she was. The tiny blip had caused my motorcycle to wobble, and I had to concentrate to keep from eating it. We didn’t have time to deal with her. Ahead, the stadium-sized head of Scolopendra loomed, mandibles thrashing, slicing through the remains of the wood that was shattered all about. The next attack was imminent, and it would hit 40% of us.

This had to work. It had to. If not, it was the end of the road.

I moved to my inventory and. . . .

“What the fuck?”

Hats. It was all fucking hats. Thousands of them, not organized in any way.

“Carl! Carl! I have your inventory! Why isn’t it ordered? Why do you have so much crap in here! Rocks, Carl! Why do you have rocks! Why do you have the Chicken and Goblin recipes book in your hotlist!”

Imani: Something just happened to my inventory! I suddenly have thousands of little candies, and my scrolls are gone!

Elle: That’s mine! We switched!

Taranis’s huge voice roared, “Little sister! Where are you? Now is not the time!”

A laughing voice echoed. It seemed to come from everywhere at once. Eris. “Ever since you started fucking mom, I knew you’d lost it. How do you think she is going to feel about you killing our brother because he was tricked into hurting your sidepiece?”

“My wife is missing! And even if she wasn’t, she cares not about my mortal dalliances!”

“You mean, our mom? You think Mom is missing? Four of her five pieces are in here right now watching you try to literally fuck a pig! And I’m pretty sure she’ll care about this one. Remember what she did to Yarilo?”

“We are in love! Wait, what do you mean about my wife?”

Eris cackled with insane laughter. “If you stopped thinking with your Mom-soaked dick for one second, you’d see what’s happening.”

Florin: Holy Christ, I switched inventories with Lucia. Nothing is organized except the hotlist!

“Donut, be careful!” I yelled as we approached the centipede. “There are lots of bombs in there. Don’t pull anything out unless I tell you to! Go to my hotlist. I need you to combine the ball in slot ten with the biscuit in slot twelve!”

10 seconds until the next Scolopendra attack.

The whole front of the creature started to glow.

“My hotlist only has ten slots!” she shrieked. “There is no twelve!”

“Search! Search and combine! Search and combine! Fast! Give it to me!”

I held out my hand. My xistera formed. Thankfully that still worked. “Hurry! Hurry!”

“I found it!” Donut cried, and she dropped the ball into the extended scoop.

Scolopendra’s mouth yawned, preparing the third attack . . .

“Hold on!” I yanked hard, putting the bike down, launching us into the air, and I flung the ball with all of my strength at the final dungeon boss.

The banger sphere with the Nothing Special enriched pet biscuit rocketed right into the mouth of the boss.

Splatch!

Scolopendra, the biggest, baddest, strongest entity in the dungeon, splattered onto the ground of the arena right in front of us, turning into a gelatinous puddle the size of a small elephant.

We tumbled and spun through the air, crashing right next to the quivering pile of goo. I rolled and skid, my motorcycle spinning off in the other direction, Donut yowling. We spun to a stop.

New Achievement. What the actual fuck, Carl?

Okay, so there are power moves. And then there’s this.

I repeat.

What

The

Actual

Fuck,

Carl?

Not gonna lie. I’m super impressed, even if I’m pissed about you stealing my thunder. I haven’t even made my big announcement yet.

Reward: . . . Yeah, I got nothing for this.

I groaned, trying to sit up.

“Uh, Carl,” Donut said.

But before she finished, the world froze once again.

Eris, her voice howling with laughter, cracked into existence, standing directly over me, her body huge, nothing like the form I was used to. Her serpentine face was the same, but her body was that of a Saccathian mixed with the Krakaren boss still in the stands. But instead of tentacles, her lower mass was nothing but the tails of snakes. Thousands of them, like a reverse Medusa, many with rattles on them. The snake tails, huge, formed all around us. We plunged into darkness. The tails parted to show Eris’s massive smiling face looking down at me.

Uzi Jesus was here on the ground next to me, still tiny, looking up, his mouth making an O shape like he didn’t know she could appear in this form.

“Hello again, Carl,” Eris said.

Uzi Jesus looked around. He paused at the sight of the Scolopendra heap of goo. “Whoa. Do you see that thing?” He pulled his toy gun and fired it at the pile. It made a pop-pop-pop noise. “There’s a lot of people’s auras inside that thing.”

“Eris,” Taranis called, his voice echoing, “unfreeze me now!”

Eris ignored him. “Our mom is going to be so pissed when she fully comes back from the dead.” She twisted and looked around, spying something I couldn’t see, and chuckled. “He’s all-powerful, way stronger than me, but he doesn’t yet understand how he’s being played. Do you really think someone that strong could be so enraptured by a pig?” She sighed. “The AI is grasping, doing what it can to stop us. It’s like throwing banana peels on the road in front of a raging bull. That’s what that pig is. Every once in a while, it works. But now the Ascendency is about to start, there’s not much more it can do.”

I pulled myself to a sitting position and looked around, coughing.

“You keep surprising me,” Eris said, suddenly serious. “But now the stakes are real. If we let those guys downstairs win the Ascendency, it’s lights out. No more fun.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I said.

She laughed, waving her hand dismissively. Uzi Jesus wandered over to the frozen Donut and poked at her with his toy gun. I reached to snatch him up.

“I wouldn’t,” she snapped, but Jesus backed away. “Anyway, I’ve come to tell you that I just came to a realization. I am the goddess of chaos.” She thumbed over her shoulder. “Just like my pig-fucking brother is the god of thunder and lightning. He has his worshippers. But you know who doesn’t worship him? Lightning itself. Thunder itself.” She patted her shoulder, and Jesus started crawling up one of the snake tails like he was a cat, grunting until one grasped him and pulled him all the way to her shoulder. “I don’t need you to worship me. You are chaos incarnate. Goodbye, Carl. Oh, by the way? Do you know how doors work? Every exit is an entrance. And don’t forget about the coin. We have until the end of the twelfth to figure out how the fifth side lands.”

She disappeared in a puff of smoke, and the world unfroze.

Eris has left the realm. Your inventory has been restored. Uh, so, you’ll have to redo your inventory organization, though. Sorry about that.

The moment she disappeared, Taranis appeared standing over me. He had Penelope in his left hand.

“Carl,” he rumbled, voice angry.

Oh shit.

A massive tentacle swiped down from the stands, and without even looking, Taranis caught it in his right hand.

“I can’t let you die,” he said. I wasn’t sure if he was talking to me, Penelope, or Krakaren.

He gently put Penny down next to me and Donut. The pig looked at me and snuffled twice.

Penny: HE LIED ABOUT THE SPLOOGE, SO WE BROKE UP. I HAD NO IDEA HE WAS MARRIED.

“You!” Taranis roared, pointing with his free left hand at something. He still held the Krakaren tentacle in the right. “Go home.”

He was talking to Khepri, who pointed at me and Donut and chittered angrily.

“I don’t care. I have business. Kill them later. Begone!”

Khepri has left the realm.

He returned his attention to me. The massive god crackled with electricity. I could feel it causing all the hair on my arms to raise. My invulnerability from Khepri had run out over a minute ago.

“I do not know what my sister meant about there being four pieces of my mother, but I am taking two of them. I am sparing your lives because my Penelope spoke on your behalf. We are not done.”

Samantha: OKAY, CARL. I WILL SEE YOU GUYS LATER. LOOK ME UP WHEN YOU GET TO THE ASCENDENCY. DON’T MESS UP SAM TOWN. I USED SOME OF THE STUFF FROM THAT HOUSE OF THE SNAKE GUY YOU KILLED TO DECORATE.

Carl: Wait, what are you doing?

Samantha was suddenly hovering by Taranis’s head, whispering in his ear.

The giant god turned to look at her, surprised. He snatched her out of the air with his free hand, and then he cracked and disappeared, taking both Samantha and Krakaren with him.

Taranis has left the realm.

Krakaren has left the realm.

And just like that, it was over.