I had a long plank of wood out, and I was in the process of reinforcing it and attaching the wheels. I had pulled Rend out of storage, and the large meatball immediately moved to the side of the road and fell in the water, trying to eat the pieces of manatee gore. I’d had to jump in to haul him out. The damn thing weighed a literal ton. Now I had him sitting on the cart, using his weight while I secured a crossbeam. He giggled furiously every time the drill made the board vibrate. Donut was complaining loudly about how much he now smelled because he’d gotten the bug’s innards on him.

I had Donut keep Mongo in the truck. We weren’t allowed to steal each other’s vehicles, but it was good to have security just in case. Mongo was not a fan of the arrangement. He had discovered the horn on the food truck and he kept banging into it.

Unfortunately, the horn wasn’t a normal honk, but a recording of a gangster’s voice saying, Make way for the big shot, followed by a chicken squawk and the rat-a-tat shooting sound of a tommy gun.

It was funny the first time. By the twentieth time, I was ready to go over there and rip the whole horn out.

Across from me, the two bugbears were energized with the thought of not yet dying. A part of me felt bad about this arrangement because I knew I was helping them now, but I wouldn’t think twice about letting them die during the next race. I supposed that was the point. The cruelty of this all was a feature, not a bug. At least they knew this, too, and that somewhat eased the small amount of guilt.

It felt like regression, having to fight against NPCs, especially after the chaos of the last floor. They were using awakened NPCs for this floor because it actually helped the storyline, not hurt it. If the NPCs knew they’d be “safe” at the end of this, many would be willing to do anything to win. But at the same time, the very nature of the floor meant most would end up dead. It was like a purge of the problem-causing components.

We still had five hours to complete the race, and so far nobody else had come down the road.

“Who are the other teams?” I asked the bugbears as I quickly worked.

“It was dark, and we didn’t get a good view of them,” Jasha said. “We only met the triplets, who are now dead, and the other team. Team Sparkles.”

“Team Sparkles?” Donut asked. She was peering back the way we’d come. “Was that the unicorn? I think they’re coming now.”

Sure enough, a light appeared a moment later. My minimap didn’t have them, but I could soon see the outline of the tumbleweed thing with a unicorn head coming up.

“That’s them,” Jasha said.

As the silhouette approached, I tried to figure out what I was looking at. The “tumbleweed” part wasn’t rolling but just moving along the ground, like it was magically gliding. Not fast, but at a steady pace. The head of the unicorn popped out the top, and the second, smaller, rodent-like creature rode on the unicorn’s head.

“What is that thing?” I asked.

“The mount is biological,” Jasha said. “It’s an Avernus Creeper. A plant that walks on the ground with thousands of little feet. Almost like bug.”

“A plant?” Donut asked as the thing approached. She moved to the center of the road, keeping the under-construction trailer behind her. Her tiara glittered, and I knew she was using her Sniper ability to examine it better. The light was coming from a Torch spell similar to Donut’s. “I bet Mordecai would know all about it.”

“Don’t know how that thing is steering it, honestly,” Jasha said

“So the unicorn isn’t the mount? It’s the racer?” I asked, watching it approach. “That’s weird.”

As soon as I spoke, it was close enough for me to properly examine it.

Avernus Creeper.

This is the biological mount of Team Sparkles for the purpose of the 10th floor.

This is a tangle of not-quite-sentient vines. Under normal circumstances, these things are pretty bad news. They’re loosely related to the Gehenna Brambles you guys loved from the 6th floor. They’re almost impossible to kill because even a tiny branch or thorn off one will rapidly grow to full size. Luckily for us all, this particular shrub is limited to half size and is being prevented from procreating outside their garage.

“Names are Dwight and Lucienne,” Jasha said. “We met just before the race. Lucienne is the small one. She’s got a mouth on her.”

The round bunch of brambles came to a stop. Donut remained in the middle of the road.

“Yo, fatty, get out of the road,” the unicorn shouted down at Donut. He had a surprising voice that did not match his colorful exterior. It was a deep, surly, three-packs-a-day Boston accent.

“Fatty?” Donut asked, incredulous. “Are you talking to me?”

The pinkish furry thing on the unicorn’s head had a tail wrapped around the base of the opalescent horn, presumably anchoring it in place. The thing was just a little smaller than Donut. She was like a mix between a rat and a chinchilla. She had two legs, two monkey-like arms, and a rodent head. She’d have been cute if her vein-covered, redeyes hadn’t been bulging out of her head, giving the impression she was on the verge of literally exploding. She also wore a mini race-car-driver helmet that was white with a blue stripe down the center.

When the fuzzy, bug-eyed creature spoke, she had a high-pitched French accent completely at odds with the voice of her partner.

“Who else would he be talking to, you corpulent swine?” the rodent shouted. “Move before we are forced to make you roadkill.”

The creature whispered something to Dwight the unicorn, who laughed.

“What? What did you say?” Donut yelled, getting more outraged by the second. “If you think I’m going to allow myself to just get insulted by a tumor donkey and a crack-addict Mickey Mouse, you both are in for a rude awakening. I’ll have you know I am practically twice both of your levels, and I’m quite sure that stupid mount of yours is flammable. In fact, let’s test⁠—”

“Donut,” I called before she did something stupid, “let them go around.”

I examined the two creatures, starting with the rat.

Lucienne. Mandagot. Level 81 Fink.

One of two members of Team Sparkles.

Warning: This creature worships Diwata and will be automatically hostile toward you because Diwata HATES your ass.

A mandagot is a Fairy-class creature that comes in many shapes, though most are stomach-churning monstrosities that are supposed to be “cute.” These things are a combination of two or three fuzzy woodland creatures. Legend has it that they are born of regular fairies who’ve had relations with forest animals, which is a pretty common occurrence with the freaks who worship Diwata. They have multiple magical abilities and can punch well over their level class, so be wary.

I grunted as I moved my attention to the larger of the two. The unicorn.

Dwight. Sparkling Unicorn. Level 87 Enchanter.

One of two members of team number two, Team Sparkles.

I bet you already know what a unicorn is. A sparkling unicorn is pretty much the same thing, but they sparkle because they have even more magic permeating them. Their horns are quite valuable to certain parties, so if you kill him, it’s recommended to grab the horn as quickly as possible.

Most unicorns are regarded for their beauty and their grace and their childlike innocence. They’re generally known for their overly gentle manner.

But not Dwight. Dwight is known for being a complete prick. He’s the type of guy who would call the police on a kid setting up a lemonade stand. He’s the type of guy who would one-star an upcoming video game because the artists had the temerity to draw a female character who didn’t give him an instant erection. He’s the type of guy who, at the office pizza party, would take three pieces, knowing there’s not enough to go around.

Donut continued to sputter in outrage. She did not move.

Just behind the round tumbleweed, parked at the entrance to the cave, sat our food truck, and within that truck Mongo screeched with outrage and leaned against the horn.

Make way for the big shot! Bawk!

The plant mount reacted negatively to the horn and burst forward. There was a strange rustling noise, like multiple twigs snapping, but not all at the exact same time. “Gah!” Dwight shouted as the whole thing lurched. We all dove out of the way. Donut jumped upward and over the mount as I dove off the side of the road and fell into the slimy cave water. The two bugbears did the same, but jumped to the other side of the road.

The tumbleweed crawled right over the trailer, skittered over the van, and continued on its way.

“Fuck yoooouuuu!” Dwight called as they disappeared into the darkness.

Sputtering, I pulled myself from the water. I had a level 5 leech attached to my leg, but it immediately died from the Damage Reflect and fell off.

Rend remained in the center of the trailer. He’d been run over by the tumbleweed, and he’d taken a small amount of damage from it. He’d fallen over, and his elephant legs waved in the air before he righted himself. I quickly made sure he was all right. He giggled as I ran my hand over him. He had multiple thorns in his hard skin.

“Poky,” he said as I plucked each one out.

Avernus Creeper Thorn.

Each one of these has the ability to grow into a full-sized Avernus plant. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. It is one of the most invasive plant species known to the universe. Whole planets have been lost to this stuff. Seriously.

This thorn will not sprout on this floor. Consider yourself lucky.

I asked Mordecai about the thorns, and as usual with this sort of thing, he was pretty excited. He asked me to save them all but not to take them out of inventory again until we were in the safe room. He was going to buy something called a Botanist’s Table upgrade attachment for his alchemy table.

“Fatty,” Donut muttered as she came walking up. “Carl, as soon as the next race starts, I’m going to set them on fire.”

I watched the light of team Sparkles disappear into the darkness.

“No arguments here,” I said.

It was slow going to get the trailer attached and then the van affixed to the flatbed. Between the three of us, and with Donut “helping,” we were able to turn it upright and lift it onto the bed. And then it took a few minutes for me to properly position everything. I had to put Rend away.

Like I suspected, there was no trailer hitch at the back of the truck, but there was a step for the back door that was welded on pretty well, and we used a few lengths of chains to attach it all.

There was no sign of the missing teams, and I assumed they were all ahead of us, meaning we would be in third-to-last place, and the bugbears would be in second-to-last.

Despite what the rules said, it seemed the two bugbears could ride in the truck with us. They just had to be in their van when we crossed the finish line. We decided to keep Radoslav in the food truck, but in the very back with the door open, keeping an eye on the crappy trailer, while Jasha remained in the van.

I’d asked them if they wanted me to store the body of their dead friend, but they just dumped her body into the water. I was taken aback, but after mentioning it to Mordecai, he said it was a bugbear thing. They believed it was weak to fret over the corpses of their fallen friends and family. They’d oftentimes eat them. Or just leave them where they’d fallen. They’d still honor and mourn their dead, but that was never tied to the bodies themselves.

We moved slowly through the tunnels, coming across the corpses of multiple manatees, which had all been killed in the same way. They were literally ripped in half. I finally stopped the truck long enough to examine one.

Corpse of Miss Brianna Kim. Level 90 Screeching Death Manatee. Killed by evisceration by mount Old Shuck from the Jugglers.

As we drove, slowly moving our way through the cave, Donut moved to the back of the truck and struck up a conversation with Radoslav.

“So, your story on this floor is that you’re musicians? Carl can play the bagpipes, and I am a singer of some renown. Perhaps we can put on a performance once we get to this town.”

Radoslav grunted. “I am supposed to be a musician, and I think I know how to play my Pan flute, but I’ve never picked it up. I am the Pan flute, Alevtina was bongos and tambourine, and Jasha sings and plays violin.”

Donut gasped. “Carl, do you think if we give Mongo a tambourine, he will—” She stopped dead. She went so silent, I turned all the way around in my seat to make sure she was okay.

“Donut?” I asked.

“I just got a strange notification,” she said after a minute. “It says the people have voted for Otto the slime guy to be the manatee ‘stand-in’ in the arena.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“That’s all it says.”

I sent out a mass message, asking if anyone else had seen this yet.

I received a couple answers that people had just started receiving similar messages. In one case, a crawler named Ajib I’d first met on the fifth floor said he’d also picked the let-the-audience-vote choice for his mob, but it said they’d voted to transfer the monster to the “arena.” Mordecai said he had no idea what any of that meant, either.

Elle: Anyone else have to do this fan meet-’n’-greet bullshit?

Donut: OMG, YOU GET TO DO A FAN MEET AND GREET?

Elle: Apparently, but it’s this huge room, and there’s just one guy in here. It’s just like the Butcher’s Masquerade. I have to wear a damn name tag.

Donut: ZEV, DO I GET TO DO THE MEET AND GREET?

Zev: Well . . . no. So, the meet-and-greet program was set up a while ago for this floor just in case anybody made it this far, and we pretty much sold out immediately. It was set up so viewers could come to the planet and watch the end of the races from the stands, and after each race, there’s a reception and they could spend some time meeting their favorite crawler. But then everything, uh, happened. The quarantine is still in place. You can still come to the Earth system no problem, but once you’re here, you can’t leave. So all five hundred fans who signed up for the meet-and-greet package canceled. All except one guy. A soother. He’s a fan of Elle. Let’s say a superfan. He came despite the quarantine. They say he couldn’t even get anyone to fly him in, so he bought his own yacht just to come and meet her.

Donut: OMG, THAT IS KIND OF ADORABLE. ELLE, TELL YOUR FAN I SAID HI.

Elle: This creepy motherfucker is wearing a shirt with a cartoon naked picture of me on it. I’m not getting anywhere near this pervert. He’s just standing there blushing. If they didn’t have safe room rules in here, I’d have iced him already.

We finally exited the cave, and a pair of dots emerged on the GPS just as multiple colorful lights appeared in the distance. The dots were labeled Hungry Eyes Village and Finish Line.

“Would you look at that?” I said as the town came into view. But Donut wasn’t paying attention as she was now fully invested in Elle’s continuing commentary on her awkward fan meetup.

Elle: Oh god, he wants me to sign some giant pillow thing that has me on it. They didn’t even get my anatomy right. My nipples are not blue.

Donut: I WAS WONDERING ABOUT THAT. THEY ALWAYS GIVE YOU BLUE NIPPLES IN THE SNICKS. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN, THOUGH. I FEAR THEY’VE OVEREXAGGERATED CARL SO MUCH THAT IF HE EVER GETS A GIRLFRIEND FROM OUTSIDE THE DUNGEON, SHE’S GOING TO BE NOTHING BUT DISAPPOINTED.

Elle: Donut, I love you, but have you ever considered not saying everything that comes to you the moment it pops into your head?

Donut: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

The lights were from a line of spotlights waving back and forth. Dozens of roads led from all directions, all coming together at the finish line.

“Huh,” I said, trying to follow one of the roads, but it disappeared into the dark.

Behind, the trailer weaved and bumped. I slowed. It’d taken us almost four hours to go fifty kilometers, but we still had time. I searched for other vehicles. I only saw a few. There was what appeared to be a giant, six-legged horse limping its way along several tracks over. There was a smoking station wagon that was being pushed by skyfowls. That was it.

Ahead, an arch loomed with the familiar black-and-white-checkered pattern of a finish line. All the tracks converged here at the finish line, making a wide road. I remembered there was supposed to be like eighteen hundred of these races, so I imagined there was some magic here, as this was more like a hundred or so roads converging. Either way, we approached the finish line.

“You better get into your van,” I called to Radoslav.

The bugbear turned and bowed from the back of the truck. “Thank you, Carl and Princess Donut,” he said. “I know and understand for tomorrow’s race we are not friends. But today we are friends, and I am grateful for today. Tonight I will drink to Alevtina and dreams not attained, and I will drink to the friends of today.”

He jumped out the back, landing heavily on the trailer, and moved into his destroyed minivan.

Donut returned to Mongo’s back and sat with me. On either side were metallic bleachers, but they were empty. It was a strangely lonely feeling.

“Carl,” Donut said just as we crossed the finish line.

“Yeah?”

“We’re going to have to kill those bugbear guys eventually, right?”

“Probably,” I said.

“I hate this place,” she said. “I wish they were all like that stupid unicorn and his disgusting rat.”

“Me, too, Donut.”

Heat One. Results.

First Place: One Fine Pig.

Second Place: The Jugglers.

Third Place: Lady Dominators and the Gimp.

Fourth Place: The Wild Hunt.

Fifth Place: Girth the Trouble.

Sixth Place: Team Sparkles.

Seventh Place: The Royal Court of Princess Donut.

Eighth Place: Team Free Love.

Eliminated: The Trauco Triplets.